If you had to kill one, which would you choose?

My boss is on vacation. So I am on vacation, only at work.

If you had to kill one professional sports league, would you choose MLB or NFL? (I'm leaving the NBA and NHL out of this because they're already dead.)

My first consideration is that, after one is gone, we'll be left with only one pro sport to watch (discounting EPL, MLS, NBA, NHL, because nobody here watches those regularly anyway.) So, which sport would you be more willing to devote all of your sports-appreciation research energy to?

It has to be baseball. Casual fans sometimes complain that baseball is too boring. But, the more you watch baseball the more interesting it becomes. Stuck with one sport all year casual fans would be forced to learn the game and appreciate its finer points.

The opposite is true with football. It's great if you're a casual fan, but the more you hear about the sport the less appealing it becomes. First, there's the concussions and long-term injuries. Athletes just a few years removed from the game are in deep depression, have permanent brain damage, are killing themselves for no apparent reason, and the league isn't helping. Sure, the hits are fun, but who wants to see these men slowly killing themselves (at worst) or permanently damaging their legs? It's uncomfortable. The more you learn about football, the less fun it is to watch.

Steroids, of course, take away from baseball. But they do that to football, too. Add to that dogfighting, and all of the shit tracked at ProFootballTalk's Turd Watch, and it's clear that baseball players are more likeable, too.


Second, game format.

This point goes to football. Sitting down on a Sunday at 1, you know exactly how long you'll be there (which is probably until 12, after SNF wraps up). Football games are far more watchable than baseball. Whether it's the clock or the action, spending an entire sunday in front of the NFL is easy. Watching even one baseball game, if it gets past the 3 1/2 hour to 4 hour range, can become tedious for any fan. Again, though, watching three straight games after you learn what these guys are doing to themselves can be disconcerting. But the format is still better, so football gets the point.

Third, season format.

Baseball, no doubt. It's a marathon, sure. But fans become much more deeply invested in their teams than do football fans. While football makes each game matter a whole lot more, and thus makes each individual game a little more tense, and pressure filled, baseball slowly drags you in until, after the ups and downs of an entire season you feel nervous for the entire month of September no matter what you're doing. It becomes part of your life. Watching football is a hobby, watching baseball is a lifestyle choice.

Fourth, playoffs.

Toss-up, to Baseball. Football's playoffs take the best part of any potential baseball playoff series (Game 7) and make it the entire series. Imagine all of the excitement for an entire baseball playoff series packed into one game. That said, it's a flash in the pan. Baseball's playoffs are the right balance of drawn out tension and packed excitement, balanced perfectly between the NBA and NFL. To see which is better, compare two of the greatest Championship performances in recent history: Sox-Yankees in 2004 and Colts-Pats in 2006. Colts-Pats was an incredible game, but then it was over. Sox-Yankees built, and built and built until Game 7 and something legendary happened. Just the thought that we might see an epic comeback and slow collapse makes baseball's playoff format better.

Throw in the uniquely baseball personal accomplishments that fans might see on any give day - the perfect game, no hitter, cycle, 4 HRs, 5 stolen bases, unassisted triple play - and the fact that Wiffle Ball is more fun than touch football, and it's clear which league needs to stay.


So, I would kill the NFL. Because baseball is more intensive for fans, it gets better the more you know about it, and the playoffs are the playoffs. For all that, I'll trade an occasional drawn-out game.

Who's Your TV Alter Ego? #1

So a while ago my brother bought me a book entitled Who’s Your TV Alter Ego?
After thumbing through the book and figuring out some of my alter egos I realized that this book provides countless blog posts because the book includes many of our favorite shows.

Logistically, I will post the actual quizzes, and then in a comment you will provide me with your answers and I will then apply them to the rubric in the book and post your results in another comment.

Here we go…(just something to keep in mind to get the most accurate results, answer what you would BE, not simple the one you like the most)

Which Arrested Development character are you?

1. If you were a one-it wonder, you’d be…
A. “Mickey”
B. “Take on Me”
C. “Who Let the Dogs Out”
D. “Bette Davis Eyes”
E. “Sister Christian”
F. “99 Luftballons”

2. If you were a card game, you’d be…
A. bridge
B. war
C. solitaire
D. go fish
E. hearts
F. euchre

3. If you were a brand of soap, you’d be…
A. Ivory
B. Dial Antibacterial
C. Calgon
D. Lifebuoy
E. Irish Spring
F. Neutrogena

4. If you were a famous family, you’d be…
A. the Kennedys
B. the Jacksons
C. the Rockefellers
D. the Vanderbilts
E. the Osbournes
F. the Partridge Family

5. If you were a magic trick, you’d be…
A. “Pick a card, any card”
B. saw the assistant in half
C. rabbit out of a hat
D. vanishing act
E. escaping from chains
F. never-ending scarf from sleeve

6. If you were a vegetable, you’d be…
A. eggplant
B. spinach
C. celery
D. iceberg lettuce
E. radish
F. cauliflower

7. If you were a Robin Williams movie, you’d be…
A. Club Paradise
B. Mrs. Doubtfire
C. Hook
D. Jumanji
E. Deconstructing Harry
F. The World According to Garp

8. If you were a football penalty, you’d be…
A. false start
B. pass interference
C. delay of game
D. holding
E. roughing the kicker
F. clipping

9. If you were a type of house, you’d be…
A. ranch
B. Colonial
C. Victorian
D. Tudor
E. Split-level
F. Modern

10. If you were a cheese, you’d be…
A. American
B. Swiss
C. Sharp cheddar
D. Brie
E. Monterey Jack
F. Velveeta

The Office

Nooooooooooooo!

I don't know if I should tell you to read the link, or let you continue to live in blissful ignorance. It's a scandal bigger than Vick, bigger than Donaghy, bigger than Watergate. It's crushing, yet probably expected. Yet still crushing.

I'm sure you knew it was coming, but didn't - couldn't - admit it. I couldn't. But now it's been admitted....Man vs. Wild is fake. Fuck!

Washington Post article on Donaghy

The Washington Post has a great article this morning about independent analysis of Tim Donaghy's recent games. It points, pretty clearly, to something fishy on his part.

Read this, for example:

According to Bell, from Jan. 1, 2007, to the end of the regular season, the opening betting line -- the number that states which team is favored and by how many points -- of 12 games officiated by Donaghy changed 1 1/2 or more points, which is an indication that a lot of money had been bet. In those 12 games in which the money was predominately on one side, the money was right in 10 of them.

"Guys betting big money were right 10 out of 12 times," Bell said. "To me, that's a key number. Going 10-2, the odds of that are only 2 percent randomly."

Obviously, this does not prove Donaghy's guilt. But who's still uncertain? The FBI says this is part of a larger investigation into organized crime, and I don't usually bet against the FBI. If they are willing to let this go public, I'm sure they're convinced they're on to something. And if the FBI says he's guilty, he probably is.

The full article is here.By the way, Donaghy was earning $260,000 a year.

MPH and The Wizard: A marriage legitimized by Wikipedia

After a long week of work, I arrived home last Friday night with a take-out bag from In 'N Out and the mindset that I would be totally fine with just getting drunk to MPH4 Kids again, and then maybe walking to a nearby bar... of course, I was in no mood to walk anywhere after knocking down a double-double with animal style fries, and drinking to a movie power hour... still, Shotty and I felt the need to do something productive and that's when we discovered the new alternative to the prank phone call... making additions and alterations to Wikipedia pages.

On the Cortland page, Dan expanded their list of "Famous Alumni" to include "A lot of shitty football players who lost to Ithaca." On the Tony Danza page, Shotty felt compelled to clarify the fact that Tony has been "repeatedly snubbed by the Emmy's." Unfortunately, both of these addidtions were erased within 24 hours of their posting.

On the bright side, the update I made to "The Wizard" is still standing (four days later). Check out this link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wizard_%28film%29

and take a look at the "Trivia" section. The fourth bullet down should still read something like this: "The Wizard anchors every Movie Power Hour"... I will be very impressed and proud if this thing holds up... and who would dare change that bit of trivia... it is the truth after all.

Man Record

I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Tina was in macy's looking to purchase something from Zoe and Dre's wedding registry. Dre and Zoe didnt register for a wedding, they registered for a committment ceremony. Is it more likely that dre is a woman or that zoe is a man?

Tough Question...

Donaghy Situation

So everyone knows an NBA ref has been accused of shaving points. This is beyond belief, and hopefully it either kills the NBA or jars it to the point that it becomes watchable again. Simmons has a great piece on the whole scenario. After you read it, you'll want to check out this post on Deadspin, they have video from that wretched Game 3 of the Spurs-Suns series - which Donaghy reffed and Simmons mentions.

Along with Vick and the simmering concussion debate in the NFL, Bonds in MLB, more doping in cycling, potential steroids in golf - this is turning into a watershed year for professional sports in America.

On a semi-related note, will American fans be disgruntled enough by the dirt in the rest of our pro sports to begin watching MLS (clean, so far)? I think these scandals are good for MLS and David Beckham, who's made it his personal crusade to bring soccer to America.

Batchelorette Party

So my bachelorette party was this weekend and it was pretty ridiculous. Here are some of the highlights I thought I would share, broken down by location:

here is a play by play of the evening's memorable events, broken down by location.

PF Changs:
-kyle pops up out of no where and surprises me. my girlfriends from school, sarah, jacqui, and jess are there. so is one of kyle's best friends from college who i adore who lives in boston.
-we eat dinner and start drinking
- they give me a sash and a GIANT PINK TRUCKER HAT that says "LUSHING BRIDE" which i obviously wear proudly for the rest of the evening.

Sweetwater: (the Mooonies of downtown boston, right across from NESL)
- the rest of the girls from my class are there!
- we all start taking shots
-they give me a tee shirt to wear with a list of stuff i have to make guys do by the end of the night, and a marker they can use to initial every completed task.
- i take another shot, drink a beer start collecting signatures.
- i go up to some guys and tell them they can choose a task to do. they stare at my chest for 3 minutes. i turn to kyle and say VERY loudly "they are just looking at my tits!!"
- guy #1 drops his pants and shows me his boxers. he initials
- guy #2 takes a condom out of his wallet and blows it up like a balloon. i make sure he has another one in case he hooks up that night-- i said i didn't want him to have unsafe sex because of me. he assured me it was fine and then kissed me on the neck. nice! i give the condom to the bartender who is laughing hysterically at me. she proudly displays it over the draught beers. he initials.
-- i take more shots and approach another group of guys, hoping to have my entire shirt accomplished by the end of the night. i tell this one to "tell me about his sex life." kyle was with me. he told us he "fucked some girl on wednesday night" and when i said "who is this person?" he said, "well she wasn't really a person..." kyle and i took this as an opportunity to laugh openly at him for five minutes until he got so pissed that he refused to sign. when he offered to initial "show me your six pack" i counted and said, "sorry you can't sign-- i only see five!!" his friends were laughing hysterically at him. he sulked.
-- i call ann and blab to her on the phone. this turns out to be my only phone call of the night.
-- more shots.

Boston Subway System
-- i get on and bee line to a group of guys
-- they all do tasks and initial
-- my friends are taking pictures
--strangers are laughing at me
-- i see guys from my high school who recognized my sister randomly on the street. i spank their bottoms. they initial the tee shirt.


Tequila Rain
-- i take more shots and start dancing WILDLY, definitely waving my elbows everywhere. this is where things start to get hazy.
-- a crazy, disgusting bald guy starts dancing around us. we try to ignore him but he is just too obnoxious.
-- kyle tells him, "could you please dance elsewhere? we are just trying to have fun with our friends." he retailiates by slapping/grabbing kyle's ass. kyle turns around and SMACKS HIM as hard as she can! he recoils-- he is shocked and a little in pain. kyle gets the bouncer and has him thrown out. the party rejoices. everyone buys kyle a shot.
-- everyone keeps dancing. i dance with a crazy gay guy who is trying to show off. he does NOT want to dance with me because i am such a mess. i am no longer collecting signatures
-- the night is over when i realize that i am obliviously dancing all by myself. everyone else is tired or had to leave to get the train. kyle and i go home to my apartment where dre has pizza waiting for us. sammy c calls saying i could come over for weed. i pass out while on the phone with him

that's pretty much all i can remember, or what has been told to me. illustrations are forthcoming. i can't wait to see you all at the wedding! xoxo

Monday

I have a gigantic zit on the right side of my nose. Its thick and whitecapped but to hard to pop. Going to have to look like a sophmore in high school for the first half of the week. ETA for coffee shit 11:15

Lingerie Party 2

There were 5 types of people at this thing.

The meatheads made their presence immediately known. When models walked by outside on their way in to the club, the meatheads shouted "Heeeeey pretty lady." Once inside, they wore sunglasses and, when Jay-Z said 'Wave' over the techno remix, boy did they wave.

Most of the 'just a bit too old to be here' crowd sat on the torn couches downing beer and talked, probably, about their investments while all feeling self-conscious about their receding hairlines.

Once, on the of the 'just a bit too old' crowd sidled up, with one hand in his Wranglers, next to a meathead dancing with a girl and tried, without saying a word, to get in on the dance. He failed.

Third, there were, of course, the awkward 20 somethings who didn't know what to do with their non-beer hand and looked as if they were spending quite a bit of concentration trying to solve that problem. And, fourth, there was a smattering of legitimate old man. Nobody (and maybe not even themselves) was sure how they got in, and nobody could figure out whether they were fun-loving grandpas living it up (like Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine) or creepy old men checking out their grandchildren's best friends.

Fifth, there were women. Two types of women, actually: Paid and unpaid, with the former all dressed in small black dresses and substantially outnumbering the latter. But both looked like they had about the same interest in being there.

Of course, there were also the models, but they did not mingle with the crowd at all, prompting one genius to say - upon getting in the front door - "Wow, it's a sausage fest in here." No shit, friend.

Finally, there was the MC. And it was MJ from the Real World: Philadelphia. No kidding, and when he came out on stage he got booed worse than Fenway booed Bonds. He stuck with it, though, and, when it turned out that many of the models were go-go dancers at Boston clubs he stuck with his line of "Let's see some of those go-go moves."

And then everyone exited the club into an alley.

A night in Text Messages

Last night Mike Darman got a bunch of us tickets to the Budweiser Select Stuff Magazine Lingerie party. The party was essentially an all you can drink bud select shit show at this night club in boston with hot women models who were paid to make the crowd look good. There were some fantastic nude ice sculptures and more dudes than i've ever seen in one venue. One of the best parts of the night was the ability to get your picture taken in front of a bud select banner with the hot and skimpy black dress wearing bud models.

This was my night told in text messages:
9:29 To Christina Capozzi: Listening to rehab mixed with toxic at a sausage fest
9:30 Christina Capozzi: Rehab?
9:51 Christina Capozzi: Going to bed soon.
10:01 To Ryan Harper: Just leaving the office shoot me tell me all i missed was a sausage fest with ugly girls
10:33 Hottest girls ever. Jake is bangimng in the bathroo$m.
10:40 To Lim Young: Bud party. Lewd women wish you were here
10:41 Lim Young: Its always worth it
10:50 Ryan Harper: Yea right f you
10:55 To Ryan Harper: Have fun cheering for oba$a while kalos gets laid. They are SO east tonight.
11:25 To Ryan Harper: I just licked tits
11:27 To Ryan Harper: Hilary is going to toss your dalad and winm
11:29 Ryan Harper: Hey make sure that entrance to your office is clean tom or mike d is gonna put you on bathroom duty again
11:37 Ryan Harper: Just let me be alone in my misery

2 weeks baby

Until the greatest reunion in the history of mankind...a few questions:

How's everybody getting there? We're having the real bachelor party the night before? right? right? Who's gonna kill Lukas? Who is Sam going to pee on? What's everybody wearing? What's the deal with the ties? Who's gonna make a complete ass out of themselves at the reception? Who's golfing?

Who's gonna piss off chris? When are we gonna play J's sweetass song-game...how about during the reception? Barton's Anyone? Who's hooking up with zoe's sister(s)? (just kidding zoe), (Or am I?) How many Steel Reserve's will Tony smuggle into the reception hall? Is Tony invited?

What's the plan for Friday night? Will green cupcakes be involved?

Man I can't wait...

Oh and Chris, on your facebook pictures for Tina's Bday, how come theres like one friggin' picture of Tina?


-Mark

P.S. Just kidding zoe for real...your wedding is gonna kick fantastic ass

In honor of us, mark's return, and sammyC

Well, it's been 18 months of blogdom for 613hudson, almost to the day, and I'd like to take the occasion to point out that we're just about to pass 10,000 hits.

That's pretty good, it means we're averaging about 550 hits a month, or 18 a day. Pretty impressive, and a vast improvement from the first few weeks of the blog, when, anxious to get the blog off the ground, SammyC posted about 3 times an hour and garnered about 3 comments a week.

Anyway, with every member of 613 having written or commented in the past few days (not every member of the blog, though, where are you guys?) I think it's time to honor our 1 1/2 years of existence, and show SammyC some respect for starting this thing (he has taken a bit of a beating lately). To do that, we should relive the very first post of the blog:

Senior Year: first trivia night

Who has hosted SNL a record 13 times?

What is the highest populated Muslim nation?

What bar in Ithaca use to have a fun trivia night before they hired two indie music guys to ask lame questions, and give away fewer prizes?


That was by SammyC, and got - yup - 0 responses. Let's at least get one or two this time.

Man Record

So, sometimes at work I submit a piece of writing and it needs to get edited before I can go home. Like right now, at 5:41 on Wednesday. While I'm waiting, here's a post I've been waiting to make.

Sam peed in the pool at Tina's party at least 12 times. I think it got above that later on Saturday night, but that's not the point. He was doing his best to make everyone else pee too, and having a rough go of it. At one point, he came over to me and, in all seriousness, said "There's nothing wrong with peeing in the pool. It's easy. I'll show you. We can go in the corner and hold hands and pee."

And at that exact moment I was struck with the idea for a man record: A criminal record for manliness. Basically, a permanent record, maintained on the blog, into which everybody's less-than-manly actions are entered. I'm open to expanding the definition to include degrees of violation (felony, misdemeanor etc).

Anyone can enter anything onto anybody else's man record with the understanding that, if a majority of us disagree, the ruling is overturned.

With that said, who opposes adopting the man record and making Sam's "Piss with me" statement the inaugural offense?

DAMN IT!

I hate this guy.

Vanessa Hudgens, star of "High School Musical", was supposed to be my girlfriend, and now it's been confirmed that she's dating this douche bag (who according to the article I just read, doesn't even consider the two to be "exclusive"... so while she's insanely gorgeous and totally "in" to him, he still thinks he can do better and is looking to play the field... this has all the makings of a Mario Lopez/Ali Landry style break-up).

Two months ago, Vanessa Hudgens walked into our production bungalow at "21 Laps", anxious and excited to audition for a role in our upcoming Fox film, "The Rocker." Only a few days earlier, I had exchanged pleasantries and sat across from JoJo, who was kind of cute in a girl-next-door sort of sense, but she certainly didn't blow you away. Even Christina Applegate, who was amazingly hot in "Anchorman", sat on our couch and I could hardly even tell it was her. But, Vanessa Hudgens... OH MY GOD!

I was in Shawn's office, going over some stuff with him when Hudgens gingerly planted herself on the loveseat in the front room of our building. At the time, Shawn was in "full prep" mode on "The Way Back" and so he didn't have much time for a meet-and-greet with Hudgens, but he did want to say a brief "hello" before heading up to a meeting with the President of Fox Searchlight (and before Hudgens stepped in for her audition with our other producer). So Shawn and I exit his office (he's in the lead, I'm following a few feet behind), and Hudgens, who had been absent-mindedly leafing through a magazine, immediately perks up. She's ready to schmooze and Shawn is armed with a few kind words of his own. He explains that he has three daughters at home and so Vanessa is actually already a big star in his household. Hudgens is gracious and tells him that she'll sign some posters and send them over to our bungalow right away. After a beat, Hudgens looks over to me (the mystery man in Shawn's wake, who - from all she can surmise - might be an influential producer). She extends her hand and smiles, "I'm Vanessa." The sparks are palpable as I complete the handshake and coolly respond, "I'm Rand... it's nice to meet you." And then Shawn gives me the cue; he needs to get up to see Peter Rice, and I'm the one holding the keys to the golf kart. I flash a quick smile and I'm out the door.

As soon as we're no longer within earshot, Shawn enthusiastically proclaims, "She's f#cking HOT! When did that happen?" I laugh and nod in agreement, "I know she looks unbelievable, right?" Shawn ponders something for a split second and then advises me, "You should date her." I'm temporarily dumbstruck by this suggestion... I've never seen a girl this stunning and the notion of dating her seems beyond unattainable. "Well yeah obviously, but I'm going to need some help man," I tell Shawn, half in jest. "Okay," he assures me, "we're still looking to cast the role of Steph in 'The Way Back' (sidenote: the role of Steph calls for an extremely hot girl to walk around in a bikini for the majority of her time on screen). Give Casting a call and tell them to have Vanessa audition for that part as well. That way you could have her around all summer."

Two seconds later I'm on the phone, talking with one of our casting associates, "...Hudgens. Yeah, the girl from 'High School Musical.' Shawn said he wanted her to read for the role of Steph at the next session. Awesome. Thanks." I drop Shawn off, breath a sigh of excitement, and then take a moment to daydream about what life might be like if this spontaneously crafted plan were to actually work out in my favor.

The next day Vanessa returned to audition for the role of Steph. Unfortunately, my dreamgirl's first read didn't stack up to the readings by some of the more seasoned actresses... plus, she had a music tour slated for Latin America this summer and it would have been hard to make her schedule fit in to ours... but for one day, I was free to imagine that our paths might join up. And who knows, they still might. Like I said, her boyfriend's attitude seems strikingly similar to that of a complete moron who would cheat on one of the most beautiful girls in the world (I'm referring to you Slater). My guess is, if I were to ask her, "Where you gonna be in five years?"... I could confidently answer my own question, "Not with him!"

More 613tina's bday...

How can we forget SammyC's revision of Do, Date, Dump.

The new version? Anal, Blowjob, 69. Why? Because in this one everyone's a winner!

Yup, that sounds about right.


I guess while we wait for Chris' awesome video to work you can watch this:


Or, if you don't feel like jumping off a bridge tonight, this:

With a name like Six-ThirTINA, how could her Bday not be epic?

First and foremost...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TINA!!

Things learned this weekend:

-Limmer, according to his t-shirt, is Always Worth It (well I guess I always kinda knew that one)
-Sam makes one helluva Sand Transsexual
-With my and Bry's powers combined we make some kick ass bacon
-Sam's Club guacamole is absolutely superb and will quickly be devoured if put on a table at a pool party
-Carib beer is short for Caribbean (again, I guess that was always a given but some pick up on stuff like this a little slower than others)
-CCKitty has an odd infatuation with Brys nips
-T is a pool guru
-Tina's family makes the best pasta salad
-Maria usually eats Christina's insides...of her bagels that is
-Sam's naked physic looks wonderful in Tina's apron (especially wonderful to Mel)
-There is such a place called Andrea Lane chock full of sweat pants, wine, and slow dancing
-Zoe randomly will string ghetto slang phrases together if let speak long enough (ie. "That wedding was crap town and ours is gonna out puff puff")
-If Sam, Lim, Dre, and J are drunk and awake...no one is allowed to sleep

and finally

-I am the reigning king of the Pool Circuit Time trials as evidenced by a video I am trying to get onto youtube to in turn post here...watch for it soon

MPH4 Kids

I don't mean to butt in and steal up blog space with tales of mine, Shotty, and Fortune's West Coast revelry --- because I definitely want to hear about Tina's birthday. Bry was relaying a hilarious Limmer moment to me and I can't wait to learn more --- but, we did just premiere MPH4 Kids this past Saturday night (and we followed that up with a Middle School Dance Party and a 7th Grade Sleep Over). All in all, it was a great night. After a little trouble with DVD Studio Pro, everything ran smoothly. People seemed to have a blast, no neighbors complained, and MPH4 Kids got a very warm reception. This could very well be the best movie power hour to date... I feel confident saying it's that good. I'm sure you guys are going to really like it. In fact, I was telling Shotty about how I was getting goosebumps while envisioning the inevitable seizure Tony will have after witnessing the opening. The new menu is fantastic (Dan did a great job and we certainly upped the ante), the order feels perfect (I'm very happy with the ending sequence of films), and it just rubs me as a great facilitator of an awesome drunken night with friends. I know I'm hyping it a ridiculous amount, but that's because 1) I really do think it's good, and 2) This is almost like MPHs swan song (at least for the next year or so) because as I've previously mentioned, I'm going to be taking a good deal of time off from making power hours, in order to concentrate on other endeavors (plus I'm going to be working like crazy, in a good way, once I start back up with Shawn Levy's company in August). So, I'm exceedingly pleased with how MPH4 Kids turned out, and I can rest easy, knowing that we've got an amazing box-set of five DVDs (MPH, MPH2, MPH3, MPH4 Kids, and JBPH) ready to be released this Christmas. Also, I still very much plan on spreading MPH (for free) to college kids all across the country. I have all the materials (envelopes, stamps, dvds, cover letter) ready to go, I just need someone to assist me in my record keeping, help me hunt down addresses, and keep me on-track and on-time with my mailings. I'll also need suggestions from everyone as to who we should be mailing these copies. I'll keep you guys posted.

So that's the MPH4 Kids news. Bring on the stories from this past weekend... God, I can't wait for 3 weeks from now. This wedding is going to be awesome.

Tina's birthday, 1

First - Bry, sometimes things get slow around here and I get a few minutes to write up some posts. It's one of those situations where there are one or two other things I could do, maybe, but I'd rather feed the blog...

Anyway, I propose that we reconstruct the weekend for those who weren't there with a flurry of short posts...Also, I KNOW there's stuff that I forgot (or that happened while I was puking in the bushes) that I'd love to hear about.

To kick it off, and get you all back in the mood, here's this:



This should also be how every post begins and ends.

I actually have real work to do now so I'll come back later to check out what everyone's talking about.

Who's more now, Chris or Bryan?

Bill Simmons: I'd say Jenkees. Also, I called Time Warner to ask them for the ESPN package that didn't involve "Who's more now?" and they said it doesn't exist. So I think we're stuck with it.

"Anything you can do i can do better. I can do anything better than you"

I'd like to start my critique of one of the most half hazard top ten lists i've ever read with my favorite quote that describes the female sex.

In the movie as good as it gets, a woman stops famous author Melvin Udall in the hallway and asks "Melvin, how do you write women so well?" Melvin pauses, enters the elevator and replies, "I think of a man, and then i take away reason and accountability." After a gasp from the woman, the elevator closes.

Reasons 10, 9, 1: According to tina's post, the female orgasm is cleaner, more discrete, and easier to duplicate than the male orgasm. First of all, in reason number ten you blatantly contradict yourself: you describe a woman who will masturbate anywhere but then say that women have discretion: flicking the bick under a jcrew sweater while reading history texts on the fourth floor of the library, isn't the definition of discretion by any means. I would say that in general women are more reserved when it comes having their orgasms despite the fact that they have the ability to do it across campus without the "mess" that is the end of a male orgasm. Despite the end result that can be cleaned up by one sheet of bounty, i'd still rather have the shameless "i'll do it anywhere" attitude towards orgasms over the reserved "their too many people around" attitude. The multiple orgasm is a clear benefit. I cant top that one but I would say that on average, the female orgasm is generally more fickle than multiple.

Reason 8: We can sit and tuck just as easily as you can sit. The difference is that we can stand and pee on phones, doors, toilet seats, other people, snow, steps, cars, trees or whatever other object is in our way when we are black out drunk and ready to take a leak. And if you want to say that this ability makes us gross, I'd counter with the fact that I have seen plenty of women squat between two cars in a parking lot.

Reason 7: Blue balls is a lie men created to make women feel guilty for not putting out. While there is discomfort after a long make out session that didn't finish with a happier ending, its more the pain that we just dropped $80 bucks on dinner and have to take care of ourselves that bothers us.

Reason 6: Best reason you put out there. I'll give you this one. If i could wear a halter top and get showered in free beer and hook up opportunities every time i went out, I would too.

Reason 5: See the quote at the beginning of post. Also, I'd also like to add a quote from George Carlin "Women are crazy and men are stupid. The number one reason that women are crazy? Men are stupid." Men are just too simple for women to handle. They want to believe that we have the same irrational thoughts floating through our head, but for the most part we are just taking everything in, trying not to say something stupid, and hoping that last fart didn't smell to bad.

Reason 4: Excellent point, but these things do start to sag once you hit 40.

Reason 3: Again another good point. Anyone who saw me shove tony's phone down my pants on Saturday knows this is a fact: women just understand social graces better than men.

Reason 2: Lets just face it, women are more attractive than men: They have better physical features, they are well groomed, they smell nice, and they have a natural sexiness that men just don't. If women were really better than men, they'd know to be attracted to other women.

Reason 1: Already refuted.


Lawyered

Our list is better than yours

I don't know how I let that list of yours burn my eyeballs for so long, but I had to come up with some sort of a rebuttle. My list parallels yours not because I'm lazy, but because I don't think you considered a lot of things about why being a guy in that situation is better. So with the help of Maria, here it is:



10. Being able to orgasm whenever and wherever you want? You guys maybe could wherever you wanted, but wouldn't because it's obvious. I know a girl who would go at it during class, in the library, and god knows wherever else... we have discretion and a good time, clearly in a girl's favor.

9. No messy clean up afterwords.

8. Getting to sit down when we pee.

7. Never getting blue balls.

6. Being able to get 10 beers for free with little trouble.

5. Having overall better judgement.

4. Having boobs.

3. Having an innate understanding of people and social cues.

2. Guys.

1. Mulitple Orgasms.

Thoughts on the All Star Game

I had to get this down.

1. Jesus, how big is Placido Polanco's head? We all talk about Bonds', but damn, check out the melon on Polanco...

2. Ichiro just hit an inside-the-park home run and then looked completely disinterested while Manny did his whole towel-him-off routine. Ichiro looked bewildered and disgusted, like Manny just offered to rub ice on his inner thighs.

3. Tony LaRussa just said: "We just try to get here and score more runs than the other time, that's the point."

4. The guys in the booth have laid the following gems about steroids:

"This is not baseball's problem, MLB is doing everything it can...It's an issue of science outpacing testing"

"Other sports do it too"

And, from sideline dweeb Ken Rosenthal: "Maybe, just maybe, we'll find out that 70% of players and hitters and pitchers used steroids, and maybe then we'll be able to say BOnds was just competing with the top tier, maybe steroids was bigger than the league..." followed by Joe Buck: "Yeah, Kenny, we'll never be able to put exact dates on who started what when and who exactly used what, it's just going to be a wild goose chase until the end of time."

Really? Are they serious? If you're going to be doing Selig's dirty PR work, at least be a little less blatant. I mean, seriously Joe, isn't there an entire special Senate investigation currently working on exactly what you said could never be done? And calling it a wild goose chase? come on.

As for Ken, my response is the same as it is for my Bonds-apologist friend: I don't care if 90% of players used steroids. Bonds is still an asshole. He had a Hall of Fame career already, but was too selfish to be satisfied with it. As long as there was 1, not 1%, but 1 minor leaguer trying to make it to the bigs cleanly and legally, then what Bonds did was wrong. He's a jerk and his records should be discounted - as should those of anybody else who so clearly used steroids.

5. Finally, I'm not buying Dane Cook as MLB's new PLAYOFF pitchman in JULY. What does Dane cook know about baseball? sure he was funny (two years ago) and sure he has some good bits, but baseball? How is he anyway a credible spokesperson? At least the NBA's retarded David Blaine spots made sense internally with the whole magic or Unbelievable thing they had going. Dane Cook doesn't even do "I was in my kitchen...", he just talks about baseball. Does anybody think he is anywhere near visible enough for this job?

Ronaldhino vs. Kobe

I promised myself I wouldn't even pay attention to Who's Now, one of SportsCenter's dumbest gimmicks yet (followed closely by the farcically retarded competing bracket of irrelevance put together by those loser brothers who used to have a show on ESPN classic).

But last night was too much. Last night, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Wilbon and Kirk College Football Herbstreit all called Koba more Now than Ronaldhino. I don't even really know what it is, but it seems like some kind of glorified popularity contest.

In what fucking world does a Top-5 player who hasn't won a championship in the the US' third tier professional sport 5 years beat out the Number 1 player in the number 1 sport in the world (for two consecutive years) who just won the European championship?

Further, Kobe's disgruntled and his GM says "what, we have andrew bynum?" whereas Ronaldhino wins the Champions League and then gets rewarded by adding another top-5 player to his team. Seriously, that would be like the 2002 Lakers adding Garnett.

That segment is so stupid.

Just a Saturday afternoon at TPC Boston

I woke up on Saturday, pulled my nicest khakis out of the laundry basket, smelled them (they smelled nice), and put them on. I tucked in my brand new blue Nike golf shirt and new spikes, had a hearty breakfast (need that energy at the turn) and turned on SportsCenter while I waited for Mike, Lukas and Sam.

Then Sam called and told me to bring a nice pair of shoes because we might be eating lunch in the clubhouse at TPC Boston. Which was where we were going to play golf that afternoon. I knew that's where we were going because Sam had sent us all an email (and Mike and Lukas an extra one that I was unaware of at the time) showing our names listed on an official players' sheet.

In the clubhouse, eh? Maybe my dirty-laundry khakis are a bit too wrinkly. So I got out the iron and ironing board, put on Golf Tips OnDemand from the Golf Channel, and set to work on those wrinkly bithces.

Nice. Smooth. Ready to rock the course, I went downstairs to meet the guys - 7-iron out on the sidewalk (that was going to be my most important club of the day) practice swings.

I got in the car, told them about the golf tips. "I hope you didn't pay for those," said Lukas. Maybe that should have given me pause, but Lukas is generally a stingy guy so I just played it off to that. (He would later pay for my fee at the driving range, part of a limo, an extra 30-rack and a number of beers.)

After a solid hour at the driving range, I felt good. Confident. Then, as we're putting all the shit into Sam's trunk, I notice this huge white limo that had been kind of idling in the parking lot behind us. "Who the fuck takes a limo to the driving range?"

Suddenly, out pops Mr. Grinch himself - "Do you guys need a ride?!" (very well rehearsed) followed by Big T, J, High School Sam, Mike, Jake, and Libs - who had the honor of driving Sam's car back to his house.

It was an all-time prank, more than deserved by me after the events of Eddie Ducksauce and the Phantom Robber, and extremely well-executed. There would be no golf. I ironed my pants (which I don't even do for work) for nothing.

Before I knew it I was pounding a Bud Extra, shotgunning a Busch Light, watching Tony take a 7 minute piss in the parking lot of the Foxy Lady.

After a heated exchange in the lobby of the Foxy Lady - when Lukas, upset that it was 21+ and they wouldn't make an exception for the best man, looked back over his shoulder while walking away like a batter who just struck out and said: "Do you have a list of other places where can give all of our money? ALOT of money? Huh? Can you tell us where to give all of our money??" - we got right back in the limo and came back to Harvard Sq. The ride back involved again stopping for me to pee outside some random gas station and then chug a Red Bull J bought (I'd need the energy, apparently.)

The rest of the night blurred by and only random scenes remain in memory. Gigantic "Condoleeza Rice" burgers at Mr. Bartley's, peeing in a doorway, a practically shotgunned Scorpion Bowl at Hong Kong, Brubaker's, foosball and an encounter with a bachelorette party at Our House, J working his mojo with some cute girls at Tonic.

Finally, Sam getting kicked out of Wings over Brookline for eating in the restaurant after 2AM and finishing his wings alone, outside, on the sidewalk.

The last thing I remember was Mike saying "Dre, you REALLY want to wake up right now", and then seeing Sam slink away with a marker. I understand there were some epic foosball battles in Apt B, too.

The aftermath on Sunday morning peeled the paint of Sam's bathroom after Sam, Mike, and J went back-to-back-to-back -- we would have had a repeat of the Sox-Yankees from earlier this year but nobody could survive the odor.

It was a great night, thanks to everyone who could make it and no biggy for those who couldn't, you all had good excuses (most of which were told to me over the phone while I was stumbling around probably peeing outside).

SammyC did an incredible job pulling it together, and set the bar high - whoever's next is going to get a ridiculous bash.

See you all at the wedding.

Update: Nathan's

Joey Chestnut just won Nathans by eating Sixty-Fucking-Six hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Dear God. J, please, please, provide a first-hand account of the contest.

Here, in honor of J, Chestnut and the great Kobayashi, is Man v. Beast.



I guess this means Joey Chestnut and this bear are the only anumals to ever beat Kobayashi.

Day 11: 10 Best Things About Being a Guy

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Day 10: Kobayashi v. Chestnut

This is developing into a pretty nice rivalry, with Kobayashi now billed as the 27-year-old 6-time consecutive champion and Joey Chestnut the 23-year-old start up engineering student. It's not quite Indians - Yankees in Major League, or Ullrich - Armstrong, but it's getting there.

And this year's Nathan's contest is going to be the best one yet. In May, of course, Joey Chestnut shattered Kobayashi's hot dog record, by scarfing 59 1/2 in 12 minutes (Kobayashi never got beyond 53 3/4, just ahead of Jared Smith's 10 3/4).




Then, just after that, Kobayashi announced that he would not eat on July 4th because of arthritis in his jaw, which he compared to a pitcher having torn elbow ligaments.

I don't think he was faking (although it might not be a bad strategy - Chestnut is at his high right now and a lot could have happened in a year); in fact, I think it was a brilliant piece of manipulative PR that made the most of a bad situation and changed the focus of the contest and ensure that Kobayashi's reputation does not suffer, regardless of the result on Wednesday.

First, Kobayashi announced the injury on a personal blog, and is now referring to it as 'when the information leaked out.' Second, he initially announced that he would not compete and now, after what he says is an outpouring of support from fans that, to him, sounds like a rallying cry, he has decided to tough it out. Third, a doctor is now saying he could be seriously jeopardizing his career by competing because he could aggravate the injury.

ESPN on Wednesday is going to lead with: Will the injured champion be able to tough it out against the upstart new world record holder. Before Kobayashi announced his injury, it would have been: "Is there a new champ on the block? How will Kobayashi deal with this unprecedented pressure from Chestnut?"

He's made himself the hero again, the center of attention, the main storyline. If he loses, at least he tried in the face of crippling pain. If he wins, he's an absolutely incredible eater, his legacy cemented permanently no matter what happens. Either way, we'll be tuning in on Wednesday not to see Chestnut, but to see Kobayashi. And that's just what he wanted.


As an aside: We're going to be tuning in at me and zoe's apartment on Wednesday during our 4th of July party. Drinking, drinking games, probably a Power Hour or two, and also Nathan's eating contest and fireworks on the Charles. I'd suggest coming, if possible, (probably only applies to everyone in NY). It's gonna be fun.