What I Miss About 613

Living in Los Angeles, you can't help but notice the multitude of billboards for TV shows and movies. They're everywhere. They're pasted on storefronts, strewn across the sides of buses, and stationed 25 feet in the air for all to see. Like the one with Rachael Ray riding a motorcycle above the slogan: "Everyone needs a little R & R." Or the huge billboard near the Fox Lot, with the stars of "Standoff" (Ron Livingston and some Nina Myers look-a-like) seperated by the catchy tagline: "Partners by day. They're still trying to figure out the nights."

Driving down I-95 on my way into Philly, all I saw were ads for beer and injury lawyers (which begs the age-old question: Which came first, the beer or the injury?) But this is Hollywood, the entertainment capital of the world. You've got to expect to be inundated with whatever product the showbiz industry might be pumping out at that moment. If you're looking to overpublicize any and every TV show, album, and film, this is the city you do it in.

That being said, I recently saw a billboard for the new ABC show called "The Nine." Now I haven't seen the pilot (it premieres in October) but the show's marketing campaign has already won me over. It's pure, unadulterated gold... which isn't to say that the show will be any good at all... but the marketing department and the billboardmaker guys, they really understand the essence of 613 Hudson. The entire show is defined by a single question: "What happened in there?" That's it. Sure, there's some ludricous plot about a bank robbery - the whole premise off which the story is based - but this ad campaign doesn't delve into those details at all. What do I see while driving north on La Cienega Boulevard?... a huge billboard with a close-up of Kim Raver (Audrey from "24") and a look on her face that tells me Jack Bauer must have brought his knapsack full of weapons and goodies into the bedroom, locked the door behind him, and experimented with her like she was Sayad Ali from Season 2... And it's not just Raver who appears to have been probed by Reebers (from "Firefly"). Vogler from "House", Tim Daly from "Wings", Scott Wolf from "Everwood" (I'm told)... they are all featured on different bilboards, looking shell-shocked, violated, and united by the completely ambivalent tagline: "What Happened in There?"

Can you even begin to imagine how much fun we would have had with this? Good lord I get giddy just thinking about it. The jokes would have lasted for weeks. I picture us putting on faux-Neil Diamond voices and saying things like - "I can't tell you what happened in there but I'll give you a clue... it involves semen... animal semen." One of us would start whimpering, "What happened in there? They put a bag over my head (sniffle), and then (exhale), they cut a hole in the bag where my mouth was, oh my god ahhhhhhhahhhhhahhhh, I can't shop for groceries anymore." Of course we'd default to the Nick voice and pretend we were leaving a message on one of the character's answering machines - "What happened in there? Eeez Nick. There's a cat poop everywhere. Eeez yur lanlor Nick!" I'm guessing Chris would actually become a fan of the show and try to convince us to curtail our "nine"-related jokes while he was attempting to watch each week's episode, but to no avail. "Guys seriously, it's a good show and you'd know that if you just watched it." One of us would call out from the peanut gallery, in our very best terrorist-sounding voice, “You want to know what happened in there? Check Chris’ anus. All the answers lie in there.” Hopefully, Chris would play along and deliver one of his famous deadpanned “No, don’t let them check my anus” lines. I’m not sure if that’s how it would go down, but here’s to hoping.

613 – Home of the long-running, played out, mildly offensive, sometimes over-the-top gross-out, voice impersonations included, brought on by the smallest thing, and wholly inexplicable, but always hilarious to us… joke.