Butt Sex

Good Morning

By noon, there was tire-width slick on the street outside my window. It was a thick, deep red (much like the love tunnels at kuma's mark and i just discussed) and comprised of bone bits, feathers and, presumably, a beak.

The bird had been there since the morning, but nobody touched it right after it was hit. Just a note, the 'there'? In the street, directly in front of a parking lot. Three hours of getting run over and dragged, slowly, down the street had flattened the bird and painted a new line in the middle of the southbound lane of Broad Street.

That's when the afternoon parking lot attendant decided to move what remained of the creature. I took an old pizza box (not only uselful to protect darts from the wall) and a stick, and scraped the larger bits of bird into it, carried it to the trash can and ceremoniously dumped it in with some of the other trash generated in the financial district today.

In other news...

me and zoe's wedding is only about 10 months away. We're thinking about music. Right now we're considering a Beatles cover band, but also might tend toward a big-band jazzy/50s type ensemble. We see the fun and benefits in both. Any (civil) feedback is appreciated. Eh, who am i kidding, any uncivil feedback will also be greatly appreciated.

Some news on INCUBUS

So my friend who works down in Miami for Latin Sony just gave me a call saying she got an e-mail with some information regarding Incubus' new album entitled Light Grenades.

-They are shooting the video for the first single Animale this coming week
-The release date for the single on the radio is Oct 16
-The band will tour the US in early 2007 making their way to Europe by the summer
-and while the posted release date is November, the album will be released specifically Nov 28

She also told me that in the next week her office should be receiving a water marked copy of the album so hopefully I'll have some updates on the actual content soon.

For more information here is their website if you don't already have it INCUBUS

The Thrill of Victory... and The Agony of Being an Eagles Fan

Earlier in the week, I sent this post to friends from home (all fellow Eagles fans), but for the most part I figured it relates to fans of just about any team and so I decided to post it on our blog.

Out here in LaLa Land, sports fans are juiced up. They’re scrambling to Tivo every Sportscenter, Cold Pizza, and Baseball Tonight episode that features their Dodgers’ historic win the other night. The way that game played out was unbelievable, and the fact that it occurred in September, with huge playoff implications, means that Disney has probably already ordered some screenwriters to pen their summer of 2009, sports comeback movie blockbuster – based on a true story.



You're down 9-5 in the bottom of the ninth and your guys jack four back-to-back homers to tie the game? Only to give up a run in the top of the tenth? But then you have the perpetually injured Nomar smack a two-run walkoff? I heard that while hosting "Loveline" on KROQ, Dr. Drew was simultaneously watching the game. So in the middle of consoling a sexually confused caller ("I have heard of that happening before, you shouldn't be too worried---"), he would spontaneously break out a gleefully unrepressed ---"OH MY GOD!!!"

For the next decade, if the Dodgers are ever within four runs come the bottom of the ninth, do you think any one of their fans will head for the exit or turn off their TVs? Will any Dodger fan say "it's impossible"... will any fan even think it?

This paragraph has been tailored to reflect a 613 moment (which actually took place in Garden 27-3-7)
Okay, let me put it to you in terms we can all relate to... Say you're playing beirut against some very formidable opponents. You've got five cups left to hit and they just sunk their final shot. So now you and your partner need to rally. It's a long way back, but you can do it togethe--- your partner misses on his first shot. You need to sink all five cups in a row. It's a daunting task and you wonder how many people have ever done this before. Let's say you do the improbable: you claw your way back and coolly sink shot after shot. In the future, would you ever doubt yourself in that situation? Down 5, by yourself, no room for a mistake, no second chances… No problem! You’ve done it before, and you know that it’s possible.

Of course there is a flipside to all the joy, confidence, and optimism that sport breeds in its players, and in its fans. As Philly fans, we know there is also despair, hesitation, and skepticism. There is a nauseating feeling that creeps down your throat and into your lungs when you see your team aimlessly stumbling along; no longer looking to add to its score or even apply any sort of defensive pressure… content to wait out the clock and then mosey on over to the locker-room. It’s as if your team were the big-breasted blond in an 80s horror film who just had sex with her boyfriend and is now heading to the bathroom to freshen up, but of course the killer is waiting for her behind the shower curtain. You see her heading towards that door and you know exactly what comes next…

The last Eagles game I attended at the Vet ended in a 25-24 defeat at the hands of the Arizona Cardinals. What’s even more embarrassing is the fact that Jake the Snake Plummer led the charge. We were up 21-0 at the end of the first quarter. We were up 24-6 at halftime. We were up two scores with little time left. We lost!

This was early on in the ’99 season (the opening game in fact). It was McNabb’s first year starting and Reid’s second year at the helm. Even now, 7 years later, while sitting on a lonely bar stool in a packed Eagles bar down on Venice Beach, thoughts of that dismal day floated around in my brain. I knew that the improbable (blowing that big of a lead in the 4th quarter to a divisional rival) wasn’t impossible. Just like how Dodgers fans will think that a 9-5 game in the ninth inning is still within reach, I knew that a 24-7 game going into the 4th quarter was certainly not a done deal. I’d seen it happen before. I knew it was possible.

Without delving into the excruciating details of the game, I will tell you that the worst part of the entire experience for me was hearing our section of the bar (the best, most raucous spot in the whole place) slowly deflate and become eerily silent. As our collective crests were falling, a 4 foot 8 inch toothless Hispanic man wearing a white t-shirt and a Dodgers hat took the opportunity to grow louder and louder. He could be heard cheering on the Giants in broken English; not specific players, just the team itself. It’s doubtful whether or not he even knew any of their names. At one point (during an officials’ review) he did call out “Give it up Reid!” (which was weird because it was an OFFICIALS’ review), so I suppose he might have known a name or two. But my point is that, this guy obviously had no emotional stake in the game. He wasn't a Giants fan. Who knows if he was even a football fan. Here we were, 30-40 transplanted Philadelphians living on the West Coast, donning our jerseys and our Eagle green, cheering with everything we have after every play… and along comes this schmuck with the plain white-t, over-sized baseball cap, and toothless grin. As soon as we got quiet, he got vocal, and I got worried. Because these are exactly the kind of guys who wait around your table in Vegas for 20-30 minutes, never playing a hand or a roll. While your grinding it out at the roulette table, struggling to stay afloat, they finally pick one spin to lay down $100, and they always win. You feel like these guys have an extra sense that aids them in all their wagers, they definitely know something we don’t… and so when one of them makes a bet against you, you know that you’re in trouble. And last Sunday, we were in big trouble. I blame the Hispanic midget with the Dodgers hat who ruined my viewing experience with his monetarily-motivated cheers and his poor hygiene… and for that matter, I blame Dodgers fans. They get to be happy and optimistic. We have to wallow and wait for disaster.

On that note, I’ll be heading up to San Fran this Sunday morning to watch the Birds topple the Niners. I know the tone of this e-mail sounded bleak, but the season is still young and I will always remain naive to the despair that awaits me as a Philly fan, even when I can clearly see it coming. LET'S GO EAGLES!

One Brutal Hour on the Lucky Star Bus (in two parts)

I'd only taken my shirt off on a Lucky Star bus once. And that was 25 minutes ago. Now, for the second time in an hour, I was sitting in a 3 foot x 4 foot cubicle resting atop the bus' engine as we barreled down I-95 toward Boston.

But Boston was the last thing on my mind. Before I could even think about walking across the Public Garden, I had to finish wrangling the toughest, hardest, slimiest doogan I've ever encountered in my life.

This story of how my shirt ended up on the dirt floor of a bus' bathroom on Sunday night started on Friday at lunch. I had sushi. At that point, I didn't think anything of the slightly slimy tuna. That the shrimp tasted a bit shrimpier? Fuck it, add some more wasabi. That night I was in Harlemville celebrating my friend Sam's birthday with fresh lobster drenched in melted butter. I went to bed late, woke up early and downed two cups of coffee, a Dunkin Donuts egg and chees bagel and headed out to play volleyball. The rest of the day consisted of me jumping, diving and in any number of ways mashing my three previous meals into a soon-to-be brick of fecal matter lodged securely in my lower intestine and, soon, upper colon. To celebrate my volleyball partner's birthday, the same day as Sam's, we had Indian food. And the stage was set.

So here I am. Sweaty, topless and perched tenuously on top of a plastic porto-potty-on-wheels. The Indian food has cruised through my digestive system. The sushi-lobster-bagel has set up camp in my colon. Something's got to give. And it does--every few minutes as a fresh New Delhi cluster bomb sneaks past my brick and squelches into the slowly filling chromium bowl beneath me. After 40 minutes (70 minutes total after my first trip) of sporadic splatter I looked at the toilet paper. Empty. Of course. Of fucking course. In my back pocket--my e-ticket on printer paper. I ripped off a corner, folded, cringed and wiped; scraped, actually. A sheet of paper later and I stood up. Sweaty, topless, and sore.

What I left behind was truly disgusting. The first shit sortie had congealed, stuck to wall of the pot and refused the stream of blue sterility that rushed across it when I, as per instructions, PUSHED and HELD the grimy red flush button. Early on in the battle another passenger had rattled the door. Now, I was slightly afraid to be seen with what I left behind. Just as I was standing in the tiny cubicle contemplating what to do, the bus ground to a halt in front of a Chinese restaurant. Everyone got off. I snuck out-trying not to think of the now-rock-hard trail of formerly watery fesces I'd just unleashed.

I walked into the restaurant, took a deep breath and thought--just thought--about eating some fruit salad. The brick still inside me noticed and settled a bit, as if to say, 'I'm still here' hahaha.

It wasn't until three days later when another Lucky Star--and its glorious C18--descended upon the camped out seafood and broke its horrible grip. As for the Lucky Star bus and its tiny bathroom, well, it's what I left behind.

A Funny email

After witnessing the Mets, with a roster including no starters @ their normal positions besides Glavin, win from the thrid row behind their dugout last night I figured I'd post this e-mail I received from my father this afternoon:

The Boston Globe
August 21, 2006

Roxbury, MA (AP):

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Gambling on a Lefty

The title of this piece is not a terrible pun referring to an angered Detroit Tiger’s starter, but a reference to my gambling problem and New York Mets starter Tommy Glavine: a crafty lefty from Massachusetts who has made millions of dollars in his hall-of-fame career, painting the outside corner with his ageless changeup. On a cold afternoon in March, I was convinced that the end of that age was upon the New York Mets this season. I bet Bryan Birbiglia that despite having the best run support in the National League, Glavine would fail to win 15 games this season. Today, less than a week removed from losing three Natty lights to Tony on an Over/Under bet on a field hockey game, I stand to lose a large cheese pizza to a fellow 613er.

Glavine won his 14th game last night, lasting eight innings for the first time since April 19 and winning just his third game since the all-star game. The Mets ace allowed two runs in the start, ensuring that the final two series against the Washington Nationals will have an iota of significance.

On September 25th at 7:10 PM, Glavine will take the mound against the National’s farmhand Beltran Perez. Perez, who made five appearances in relief before winning his first game as a starter last night, will take on the division winning New York Mets in a relatively meaningless September baseball game.

What will happen in the game is unpredictable. Glavine will likely be working to sharpen his repertoire for the playoffs and the young Perez will try to impress the front office, hoping to make the starting rotation next season. Although the game will likely get less than a minutes mention on Sportscenter, you can be sure Bryan will be dreaming of pizza, and I will try to determine if I qualify as a gambling addict.

What I Miss About 613

Living in Los Angeles, you can't help but notice the multitude of billboards for TV shows and movies. They're everywhere. They're pasted on storefronts, strewn across the sides of buses, and stationed 25 feet in the air for all to see. Like the one with Rachael Ray riding a motorcycle above the slogan: "Everyone needs a little R & R." Or the huge billboard near the Fox Lot, with the stars of "Standoff" (Ron Livingston and some Nina Myers look-a-like) seperated by the catchy tagline: "Partners by day. They're still trying to figure out the nights."

Driving down I-95 on my way into Philly, all I saw were ads for beer and injury lawyers (which begs the age-old question: Which came first, the beer or the injury?) But this is Hollywood, the entertainment capital of the world. You've got to expect to be inundated with whatever product the showbiz industry might be pumping out at that moment. If you're looking to overpublicize any and every TV show, album, and film, this is the city you do it in.

That being said, I recently saw a billboard for the new ABC show called "The Nine." Now I haven't seen the pilot (it premieres in October) but the show's marketing campaign has already won me over. It's pure, unadulterated gold... which isn't to say that the show will be any good at all... but the marketing department and the billboardmaker guys, they really understand the essence of 613 Hudson. The entire show is defined by a single question: "What happened in there?" That's it. Sure, there's some ludricous plot about a bank robbery - the whole premise off which the story is based - but this ad campaign doesn't delve into those details at all. What do I see while driving north on La Cienega Boulevard?... a huge billboard with a close-up of Kim Raver (Audrey from "24") and a look on her face that tells me Jack Bauer must have brought his knapsack full of weapons and goodies into the bedroom, locked the door behind him, and experimented with her like she was Sayad Ali from Season 2... And it's not just Raver who appears to have been probed by Reebers (from "Firefly"). Vogler from "House", Tim Daly from "Wings", Scott Wolf from "Everwood" (I'm told)... they are all featured on different bilboards, looking shell-shocked, violated, and united by the completely ambivalent tagline: "What Happened in There?"

Can you even begin to imagine how much fun we would have had with this? Good lord I get giddy just thinking about it. The jokes would have lasted for weeks. I picture us putting on faux-Neil Diamond voices and saying things like - "I can't tell you what happened in there but I'll give you a clue... it involves semen... animal semen." One of us would start whimpering, "What happened in there? They put a bag over my head (sniffle), and then (exhale), they cut a hole in the bag where my mouth was, oh my god ahhhhhhhahhhhhahhhh, I can't shop for groceries anymore." Of course we'd default to the Nick voice and pretend we were leaving a message on one of the character's answering machines - "What happened in there? Eeez Nick. There's a cat poop everywhere. Eeez yur lanlor Nick!" I'm guessing Chris would actually become a fan of the show and try to convince us to curtail our "nine"-related jokes while he was attempting to watch each week's episode, but to no avail. "Guys seriously, it's a good show and you'd know that if you just watched it." One of us would call out from the peanut gallery, in our very best terrorist-sounding voice, “You want to know what happened in there? Check Chris’ anus. All the answers lie in there.” Hopefully, Chris would play along and deliver one of his famous deadpanned “No, don’t let them check my anus” lines. I’m not sure if that’s how it would go down, but here’s to hoping.

613 – Home of the long-running, played out, mildly offensive, sometimes over-the-top gross-out, voice impersonations included, brought on by the smallest thing, and wholly inexplicable, but always hilarious to us… joke.

Movie recommendation

My father and brothers had gone to see the movie Lucky Number Sleven in the movie theatre when it was out and decided to rent it the other night.

Now my father's taste in movies varies but the fact that Rob saw it once and was eager to see it again sparked my interest so I settled in to watch it.

I was pleasantly surprised. And without going into too much detail explaining why I liked it for fear of ruining a portion of it I will just say that the film was an entertaining piece with enjoyable banterish dialogue with an intriguing plot to watch unfold.

If we were still up at 613 I would say Lucky Number Sleven would be a great movie to watch on a Saturday afternoon in the living room amidst the strewn about beer cans and empty styrofoam Wingz containers from the night before that we were just going to let pile up along with that night's beer cans and shot glasses only to possibly be cleaned upon return from Moonies Happy Hour or dinner at Sammy's that following Friday night in preparation for that night's event.

As I turned left onto Buffalo street, the building rose majestically through the skyline. Her neon sign glowed and welcomed all who wanted their hearts warmed and their stomachs filled. I walked inside to familiar classic rock and that midget guy whose always drinking at the bar. A flutter of panic overtook me as I walked towards the bar, god I hope they are still as good as I remember I thought to myself. I ordered the standard 6 medium, 6 jack and 6 golden and retreated to the back room to await my bounty. The minutes passed slow-agonizingly slow and slightly hollow. There was no banter, none of Rands laughter or Sams lists. Just as the hollowness seemed to consume the room, our beloved and often feared bartender tossed down a plate and said "enjoy." Instantly any and all emptiness was replaced with a blissful and all encompassing joy. The medium was the first to my lips and it was followed in succession by the jack and golden. A extra treat was realized when I noticed an extra wing on my plate. Truly this was an amazing meal. After I engulfed the wings I washed my hands and left with a content smile. I even walked over to the gas station and bought a twelve of natty light just for old times.

Enough with narrative, here is a roadtrip update. I am currently in day five, the first three of which were spent in Rochester. I arrived there Friday night and Mark, Bry and I went to a party at RIT that my friend Liz's boyfriend was throwing. It was a good time and included Mark wanting to bait and chase a RIT officer, Mark talking to the cab driver too long and several Key Ice shotguns. Saturday we did not leave the house until dinner at 6 pm and we all got buffalo chicken sandwiches at the distillery. Later we went o the bar and now hold the photo hunt record at what ever bar we were at. Mark and Bry swept two games of pool as the bar closed. Mark thought it would be a good idea to take a full but discarded corona and pound it in the parking lot and we did just that. Sunday's highlights include not seeing the outside until 730pm, CBS not allowing me to watch the end of the Jets game and Bry and Mark's reaction to the officiating during the Manning bowl.

Jack Bauer Celebrates Fathers' Day

So I guess this means he wasn't conceived of a virgin birth??? I find that very hard to believe...

For Day/Season 6 of "24", the producers are incorporating Jack's estranged father into the storyline (played by James Cromwell). Also, Milo's coming back!

Read up on the details.

I can't wait to see Jack break out of a Chinese prison camp. I hope that's the entire season.

Everyone's Favorite Derrick Has A Little Secret

Since I am working crappy ass hours at work this week and didn't want to stay up tonight to watch The Fresh Meat reunion special on tv I went to MTV.com and watched it there.

Now I know that a lot of you out there did not feel strongly about the most recent real world/road rules challenge. With that in mind I realized that some of you, in turn, may not tune into the reunion show that airs tonight.

The show was divided into 5 different clips on the web site and this clip in particular that I am providing the link for explores your favorite Derreck's "relationship" on this current challenge. This section is towards the end but the clip itself is only 8min so you dont have to wait too long. What is interesting, and hints at more then is being divulged, is not only his reaction, but Diem's and the other cast members'.

Interesting

And the next challenge "The Duel" starts in October, hopefully it is back to form

The most baller shit ever

Last night I got a couple first row seats along the third base line (a few feet over from the hot ball-girl). Two of my friends scalped standing room tickets and four of us rotated in and out of the seats. By the end of the night we were all sitting together when the Sox suffered the crushing defeat to the Kansas City Royals. As my friends and I walked our way down the row and near the visitors dugout, we became part of an exchange between a Fenway Park security guard standing on the field, and a moderately atractive girl (seven on the Sam Calvanio scale established at Bowling) standing in the fifth row.

Security Guard (to me): Can you get the attention of that girl in the brown hair

Me (to security guard): Yeah
Me (to brown haired girl): That security guard wants to talk with you

The girl walked down to the front row and asked the security guard what he wanted:

Security Guard: Were you sitting in the fifth row over there? ( he gestures to the middle of the row)

The Girl: Yeah. Why?

Security Guard: Joey Gathright wants your phone number

The Girl: Who is Joey Gathright?

Security Guard: He's the center fielder for the Royals.......he just won the game with a double.......You should give him your number, he's the fastest man in baseball...

The girl's fat friend: You have to do it

My friend will: He's not even batting .300

The girl gave the security guard the phone number and that was all we saw. Needless to say, the fastest man in baseball raw-dogged a random boston flusey last night.


Another interesting story from the game. Two seven year olds were sitting in front of us. Will found out that one of them was a Yankee fan and he desided to inquire why the youngster routed for that team. This was there exchange

Will: Why do you like the Yankees?

Seven year old: Because they're in first place

My friend Jake: You should root for the Mets

7: But the Yankees are in first place

Will: So are the Mets

7: Exactly

Will: Yeah..well... Brian Bannister is the fucking Govenor of New York

The confused seven year old then turned around to watch the game

Will: I hope the next foul ball hits you in the head.....


I was sitting next to the childs mother. She was nervous to say the least.

No Parents No Rules!

I just thought you would all like to know that I just spoke to Lukas online and he's wasted at 10:30 on a Thursday night in his second week in college. Bad typing, lauging at simple things, the works. I congratulated him on being the overall best drinker and pimp of his dorm to which he replied, "no parents no rules! hahahah!" It was an awesome moment. The torch has been passed.

Law school is hard and a lot of work, go figure. I'll see you all after I graduate.
Peace in the Middle East,
ZoPal

Re-posit my De-posit

Has anyone heard anything from Nick? Is it time we start sending him letters, calling him at home during dinnertime, ordering Kebaps from the State Street Diner and demanding that they be delivered to various parts of the country? What stage are we in right now? It's only been a month since the new tenants moved in, but he should be notifying us soon, if not already, right?

Also, I caught the USA-Greece basketball game early last Friday morning (I can't believe we lost), and noticed that they had a player named Vassillis Papadopoulos... I wonder if he's any relation.

Speaking of Greek Basketball, Gerry McNamara recently signed a one-year contract to play for Olympiakos S.F.P. in Greece. We all know who Limmer's new favorite team in the European Basketball league is... sorry CSKA Moscow... Good luck finding that jersey though