Day 3: What was Maxim thinking?

Well, it's only Day 3 of this experiment and I've already subjected you to man boobs, thorny penises, and 4 gruesome animal maulings. Suffice to say, a lighter-natured post is in order; plus, it's Friday, so let's look at pictures of hot chicks. And J.D. Drew.

I like Maxim, which is why their recent 100 Hottest Women list was so disappointing. Their choice of Lindsay Lohan as #1 was, in fact, so poor, that I am ready to say it was as crappy - perhaps even crappier - of a decision as the Red Sox deciding to sign J.D. Drew to a 5 year $70m contract this offseason.

The argument: Lindsay Lohan is uglier than J.D. Drew sucks at right field.

And here's why.

First, let's just establish the relevancy: Drew's free agent contract set him up for life. He cashed in and now doesn't have much to worry about. He's loaded, he's got some job security, he's set. Basically, the Red Sox assured his future.

The press Lohan's going to get from Maxim essentially does the same thing. At a time when she was spiraling downward and fast becoming a unanimous joker, this choice has somewhat re-legitimized her as a sex symbol. This makes it as important for her future as Drew's contract for his.

Now, why were both decisions shitty, and why was Maxim's worse than Boston's?

They were both shitty because they were based on old information. We're talking about the 2007 Lohan and Drew, yet Maxim and the Sox seemed to be drafting the 2004 versions.

Let's rehash: In 2004 Lindsay Lohan starred in Mean Girls and was indisputably at her hottest:

I mean, she even looked good when her clothes didn't fit.



Incidentally, the 2004 season was J.D. Drew's Mean Girls. It was the only season in his 10 year career where he registered at least 500 at-bats, the only season in which he's hit more than 30 home runs (he hit 31), the only time he's ever drawn more than 100 walks (118), scored more than 100 runs (also 118), and notched more than 140 hits (158). It's one of only two seasons (along with '06, but still) in which he's driven in more than 75 runs, and one of only two seasons (along with 2001) in which he hit over .300 (he batted .305).



Yes, Atlanta got the best of Drew then sold high to the Dodgers.

So, maybe, maybe, Drew and Lohan were deserving of their choices based on their 2004 credentials. But based on their recent work, well, these decisions were ridiculous.

First, Drew. In 2006 with LA he batted .283 and struck out 106 times in 494 at-bats. Granted, he did play in 146 games, his highest yet, and drive in 100 runs for the first time in his career, but he also drew only 89 walks, stole just 2 bases in 5 attempts (compared to 12-15 in 2004) and notched an anemic .346 OBP (.436 in '04). And that was his contract year.

Lohan's '06 and early '07 was arguable worse. She was in and out of rehab, coked out of her brain half the season and her body withered away to the point that her waiflike appearance made her less a sex symbol than a symbol of the negative affects of having a tapeworm colony inhabit your abdomen.


Worse still, her wardrobe problems slipped from sexy to "Ew, get your nasty snatch away from me."

Yeah, that's worn out and gross. And its rubbing against the car seat that Paris Hilton probably just threw up on, and it looks Lohan is about to throw up on. Yuck.

It's pretty clear that both Lohan and Drew did not perform in 2006 the way they did in 2004. So, who's fall was worse - thus making the respective choices by Maxim and the Sox worse at the time?

The answer is clearly Lohan. Just look at the visual evidence. Further, and this is the kicker, there were MUCH better choices available to the Maxim editors. I'll concede that Drew was really one of the better rightfielders available last off season, and the Sox for some felt like the just needed to make a move. I still think they should have stayed with a Hinske/Pena platoon all year (maybe by Sept. Wily Mo would have been able to hit a curveball...he's easily the Pedro Cerrano of real life). They'll probably end up with that anyway, just $14.4m lighter for the year. Drew left the game on Wed. night with 'tightness in his quad' and is now day-to-day. Just great.

Anyway, that was a digression. The main point: Lohan wasn't anywhere near the top candidates for Maxim's 100. Just compare the above pictures to these:

Any one of these women - and any one of many others, too - would have been a better choice. The best choice, though - what would have been a Billy Beane-esque draft pick - is Sarah Shahi. She was quickly rising through Maxim's farm system (90 on the list in 2005, 66 in 2006) when she was inexplicably left off altogether this year. She made a few appearances on The Sopranos this year AND had a recurring role The L Word.

See if you still disagree after watching these borderline SFW clips:







And that's why the choice of Lohan was a poorly thought out, poorly researched, cop-out of a pick. Signing Drew was bad, choosing Lindsay was way worse.

Her mere appearance on The L Word is enough to vault her past the likes of Disney-chick Hillary Duff (23). Basically, sign Drew was stupid, choosing Lohan as #1 was just extremely poor and disappointing, and Sarah Shahi should have been Number 1.