Day 9: Planet Earth Power Hour vs. Another Power Hour

I've had enough of this. From now on, I will have a singular purpose: Starting, engaging in, and completing a thorough debate about the merits of a Planet Earth power hour.

I've hinted at it, even commented anonymously to try and stir up interest (yeah, that wasn't SammyC being bitter). Now it's time for a full-on post.

After Kids, it should be Planet Earth, and here's why:

1. Planet Earth is a revolutionary nature documentary. The scenes are unprecedented, the footage is incredible, some animals have never before been documented. The cameras are ahead of their time. Thus, a Planet Earth Power Hour would be all of those things.

2. There are endless amounts of possible minutes. Some that come to mind now: Sharks, Dolphins, Monkeys (come on Lim - you know you could do a PH with 10 different Monkey minutes...just think, Monkeys swimming, monkey's jumping, monkeys eating, monkeys fighting)...Or we could do it like this: Chases, Stalkers, Kills, Confrontations.

3. It seems like the show was built on complementary one-minute clips. From youtube:

This clip contains two almost perfect minute-long segments. Just cut it in half:



Again, two minutes, either of which would be great in a PH...although I'd go with :57 - 1:57.



Just imagine this, near the end of a PH:



(Come on Limmer, come oooonnnn......)

Or, these 70 seconds, from :50 - 2:10 :



Alright, honestly, 60 clips would be mesmerizing. If we saved the chases and kills for the end, it would be phenomenal. I can even see a "Get The Star Jimmy" - like intensity with things like "Get the seal, shark!" or "Save your ass, Penguin!"

We would be jazzed up, awed, scared, grossed out, impressed; in short, this is worth it. If you agree, say so. If you disagree, tell me why. We need this settled so I can either drop it, or we can get to work.

Day 8: HIMYM v. Friends, Rd. 2

Well, Chris, Friends did go to Vegas, but look what happened:




If Friends can ruin Vegas and HIMYM can rock AC, there's no doubt who would be more fun in Montreal.

Now, to the more important points.

I'll grant that HIMYM is a rip-off, but is an updated, corrected, funnier version of Friends. It's more entertaining and funnier than the original.

And here's why: It's one of those rare shows, like Arrested Development, that doesn't need to fulfill any great story line to be funny. I could watch the show for years and not care if I never found out who the kids' mother is. Like the 3rd season of AD, who even knew whether Pop-Pop was in jail or not, and who even cared? Each episode was so much fun to watch that none of that stuff mattered.

Friends was way too tied to the love-lives of its central characters. Sure, HIMYM is ostensibly focused on discovering who Ted marries, but that's not focus of every single episode.

Friends was, essentially, a sit-com version of Grey's Anatomy. Because it was a sit-com, and because its characters were quirky, it produced isolated very funny moments in isolated shows. However, in the end, people are drawn to whether Rachel and Ross or Meredith and Derek are going to end up together.

HIMYM, on the other hand, is like House. You've got some really cool people dealing with really cool circumstances in very interesting self-contained episodes that may or may not push along the plot of the show as a whole.

Who'd rather watch Grey's Anatomy than House (other than Zoe and Chris?)

Just like House rocks Grey's Anatomy, HIMYM rocks Friends.

GREAT day yesterday

SammyC came through in a big way yesterday. His company was organizing a sponsor appreciation day and needed some people to help out - with helping out meaning come to Fenway Park and throw BP to the big spenders. Lukas, Sam's current roommate Mike Darman and I got to go. Here are pictures:









Last night we also helped fold a gigantic banner and pull it up on top of the Monster. So, when you see that thing drop before the game tonight, know that 613 was all over it.

All in all, it was an incredible experience.

Day 7: HIMYM vs. Friends Rd. 1

There is no arguing that these shows are practically carbon copies. Groups of friends, rarely seen at work, mostly seen at their post-work drinking establishment (coffee for pussies, beer for awesomeness), in a show based on relationships between recurring characters - plus one womanizer.



The debate over which is better will rage (hopefully Rd. 2 and beyond will take place in Comments) but I'm here to weigh in. And to do make my decision, I'll ask this: Which characters would you rather go to Montreal for the weekend with?

My rational: Giving a half hour of your time every week to watch the characters in their day-to-day lives is a very big committment. For that committment to be justified, I think the people you're watching should be cool. What better way to see how cool someone is than to see if you'd like to spend a weekend with them in Montreal?

(Note: I would put this in Vegas, but I've never been. We all need to do a trip there together, and soon. Rand, I know you're in. Maybe a long weekend this winter?)

So, here goes.

The best way to break this down is to compare the complementary characters: Barney/Joey, Ted/Ross, Marshall/Chandler, Monica/Lily, Pheobe & Rachel/Robin.

Barney has the edge over Joey. Yes, they will both spend a lot of time bringing hot girls back to the group, which is fine, and yes, continually being told to Suit Up for something Legendary *may* get a bit old come Sunday afternoon. The key point is this: Barney will be so into making sure that everyone else has a good time that he will constantly be coming up with cool activities probably meticulously researched before (so we won't have to do that) and he will also probably be springing for cool drinks just because. Joey seems like he'll follow along and may stumble into something cool, but that's as far as he would go. And he definitely wouldn't be buying us all rounds of car bombs.

(If you doubt how important that is, remember Rand stepping up at the Lehigh Valley House? I was barely into my conversation with the guys who thought
This guy: (David Lighty)


Was this guy:



when Lim tapped me on the shoulder and said 'Car bombs, other room, now.' That was awesome.)


Anyway, there would be a lot of moments like that with Barney, so he gets the point.


As for Marshall and Ted vs. Ross and Chandler; I just don't feel like it's a contest here. If you want someone who'll be talking geology and whining over his latest girlfriend while you're (accurately) predicting every roullete ball, pick Ross. If you want someone who can explain how exactly that bio-dome stays standing - and what it's for - pick Ted. Likewise, Marshall can either be the butt of jokes (with Lily), or the instigator, because he would inevitably lawyer someone (who's most likely to get lawyered?) on at least three separate occasions. Chandler, on the other hand, desperate for attention, would shower us with lame-ass jokes until, at last, one of them hit.

Granted, Ted and Marshall do lose some points for the Bachelor Party episode. However, the party they had planned did sound like a whole lot of fun too, and who knows what would happen in Montreal. Barney loses a point because of the stripper he hires during that episode and the weird show she performs. We'd have to keep his dark side in check. Even so, I think that would be fun. And I think the bitterness factor with Ted and Marshall is low enough so that we could mess with them.

As for the girls, no doubt at all. Monica would have actually died on the spot if she'd seen the Econo-Lodge room, and that would have made the weekend slightly less enjoyable (they probably have naked funeral homes there, but that wouldn't be all that fun.) Rachel: too prissy. Pheobe might be fun, but also might not. It would be hit or miss.

Lily and Robin, on the other hand, would knock it out of the park. Robin would be so intent on proving her independence that she would probably lead the charge to some cool bars and maybe a strip club (I can't remember how she reacted in the Bachelor Party) but I know that she would want to Cronkite with me. Lily is cooler than both of them, without even needing an argument to back it up.

Of course, there's always the chance that the HIMYM cast might break into this:


Of course, there's always the chance that Joey might stay in character too long and wind up with this:



(which may not be that bad too watch)


Of course, there's also the chance that, if we're left alone with Joey too long, he'd break into this:



(Which is bad, unless you're SammyC.)


In the end, the HIMYM cast would be much more fun to spend a weekend in Montreal with.

Day 6: Shows girls make us watch

It happens from time to time, especially in a small apartment like mine: Zoe somehow wrestles control over the TV away from me and puts on one of two shows: Sex and the City on TBS or Grey's Anatomy. (For Sex and the City it usually starts with 'Can we please watch something we both want to watch?'; for Grey's, it's 'You get to watch sports every night, this is the only show I like to watch.')

Regardless, I often find myself watching one of these two horrors, and I couldn't help but wonder, Which one would you choose?

The creators of Sex and the City had to have known that girls would want to watch the show with their boyfriends, and would talk them into it, so they threw in some pretty good boobs and sex scenes every once in awhile.

Like this: , or this:

TBS cuts out the good stuff. You still get the plodding narrative, the crappy writing, the boring-as-shit scenes of schmoopy couples, lame jokes, stupid banter, and bad puns - like when the girls are talking about how funny it is that Charlotte's brother Wesley was married to a woman named Leslie and Carrie asks "Does he work at Nestle?" Haha, Fucking fabulous - but you never get the payoff. It's like watching the replay of a soccer game when you already know the final score and every goal is cut out.

Grey's is worse. It's incessent relationships are incestuous, meaning that repeated viewings of the show won't even hold the faint hope of an interesting cameo (not that Sex and the City ever really fulfills that promse), and meaning that every time you see the show you have to learn more about the uninteresting characters. The writing's just as cheesy as Sex and the City, the unrealistic medical situations that are nowhere near as cool as in House, and there's absolutely no chance of an interesting sex scene. Worse, the show is full of whiny, spineless women. This is a big deal to me, at least with Sex and the City, all the male viewers can dream about meeting someone like Samantha. Sure, Izzy is hot, but she's such a damn head case that watching her for too long becomes tiresome. If Sex and the City is a goalless soccer match, Grey's is women's basketball. Dull, repetitive, no hope of seeing anything even remotely titilating.

In the end, the choice comes down to two factors:

1. I think it might sometimes be possible to even learn a little something about women from watching Sex and the City. It's not often, and certainly not invaluable information, but watching the Sex and the City chicks sitting around chatting might actually be a semi-accurate glimpse into the strange private life of women.

2. Sex and the City is 30 mins, while Grey's is an entire hour. If forced to watch one episode of one of the two, I would pick Sex and the City.

Now that that stupid question is settled, let's watch TV shows ridicule both of them:

Sex and the City



Grey's Anatomy

Day 5: MXC vs. Family Feud vs. Price is Right

We've wasted our time in front of all of these, either sick, or hungover, or still drunk, or just plain psyched to see what the survey said. So which is the BEST time waster?

I've evaluated the shows based a few important characteristics:

1) Timelessness:
This is important because it ensures that the show will be a great time waster now, when we're sitting around hungover, and just as great in 70 years, when we're sitting around shitting ourselves.

We've seen that the Feud can be entertaining with almost anybody as host - Al, Jay Peterman, that old dude - and can even be a great time waster online. I feel like there is some falloff between Al and Peterman though, Peterman is a little bit too much of a sexual molester and, while occasionally funny, he more often than not makes me a bit uncomfortable. I doubt The Price is Right - well, we know what's happening there. MXC is not dependent on talent, because just about anyone can make up those voices. It may be dependent on a limited supply of old violent game show tapes, it's unclear how many remain. But that brand of violence can be funny more than once and, with enough time in between viewings, it's doubtful that you'll even notice a repeat.

Edge: MXC

2) Show Format:
All are tried and true formulas that provide endless hours of entertainment. The guessing aspect of FF and TPIR allow for more audience-involvement, which is great, but again MXC is the best. It's like a half-hour compilation of Web Gems back before Baseball Tonight got hijacked by half-retarded blowhards. It's non-stop concussive impact infused with dirty-mouthed humor and the occasional "Oh dear god" moment when a tiny Asian girl falls face-first into the rolling logs only to get whiplashed backwards into the log behind her before crumpling into a heap in the muddy pit below. The show is based on addictive violence tempered by lighthearted dubbing that - when combined with the ambiguous date of the original filming (when/where the hell was this first made?) removes the audience just enough from the serious injuries unfolding just before our eyes. The show recognizes that, and just pummels our senses from start to finish.

Edge: MXC

Now, to steal two of Simmons' criteria:

3) Unintentional Comedy:
MXC is immediately ruled out because the entire program is intentional comedy. It's almost a dead heat though between FF and TPIR. FF is more likely to show us two thundering herds of corn-fed Midwesternerns rocking the stage, or to place the recently immigrated mexicans across from the Arizona border ranchers (maybe that should fall under intentional, now that I think of it), but I feel the edge has to go to TPIR because of all the Grandmas with T-Shirts, over-excited college kids, and the odd chance that on oversized black woman is going to charge down the aisle again and scare the bejesus out of Bob Barker (Does this scare him because he's so old and is still living - in his mind - in the segregation days? Or is it just because, for the last three decades, he's been nothing more than a straw scare-crow held together with toothpicks and dental floss?) Who knows, but TPIR wins.

4) Intentional Comedy:
MXC, hands down.

5) Random Hotness Alerts
FF is, once again, out early. I would think that MXC would have enough random citrus to put up a fight here, but it rarely ever does. It is quite disappointing in this regard. TPIR and its Showcase Beauties (or whatever they're called) clearly take the point.

So that's it. FF gets no points, and the final rankings of best time-wasting TV shows goes like this:

1) MXC
2) TPIR
3) FF


Also, it's time for someone to say: A Planet Earth Century Mark? That's an absolutely incredible idea, let's get started on it right now. Come on, you know you want to...


From the winner, MXC:

Day 4: Coffee or Beer?

This is an extension of a quality Gmail chat SammyC and I had during work on Friday. We work really hard.

If you had to have one of the following, which would you choose?

1. Monday Morning Coffee Shits

2. Sunday Morning Beer Shits

I tried to find a good explanation of the actual physical differences between the two, but couldn't (Bry, Mark, little help?) So, I'll just leave it by saying that both coffee and beer are diuretics; let's evaluate based on contextual differences.

Coffee: I don't drink that much coffee, maybe 3 cups a week. But almost every time I do - whether it's iced or hot, latte or a man's coffee (I drink them all) - I end up with the runs. Probably once every hour or two, I need to run to the bathroom and piss-shit.

The upside is that I get frequent breaks from doing work, and I guess I'm a little bit more alert when I am at my desk. Plus, I really think coffee is delicious. The downside is that my shits tend to stink a little bit and I'm always wary of leaving a foul order in the office john. Not to mention, I eat a lot of lettuce and corn and those tricky little particles have a nasty tendency of bubbling back up into the bowl about 10 minutes after the flush. (There's one other person in my office who also eats a good amount of lettuce, apparently). Plus, battling diarrhea makes me sweat a little bit and then I'm faced with whether or not pull a Costanza at work and risk wandering out into the office shirtless, or just to man-up and risk a pit-stain or boob-sweat stain on one of my few nice shirts.

Beer: The post-binge, mid-morning beer shit is a dangerous beast. Sitting on the toilet, perched precariously with a slight lilt to the right, the bathroom mat spinning in front of me - seemingly whipping up tumbleweeds of months-old pubic hairs - is at once joyous, exciting, painful, relieving, neverending, leg-numbing and frightening. On the upside, it gives me the chance to reflect on the night before, but most thought vanishes as the room slowly fills with the unfailingly disgusting smell. Sure, it's always fun to expose others to the odor; but alone, in a tiny 613 bathroom, it can be fatal.

You also know that every minute spent pouring watery feces into the quaking bowl between your legs is another minute not spent chilling in the living room watching Flight of the Phoenix (or other such trash) and doing a much different, much more enjoyable, version of shooting the shit. And then there's the burn. Oh, the burn. Finally, the continuously naive decision to order a stinger or a PPP. "All of the grease will calm down the acids from the beer." Yeah, right. After pounding one of those you'll need a gallon of coffee on Monday just to finally cleanse your colon.

With all that said, though, my vote is for the Beer Shits, because of college and because of the kick-ass night we would have had before my own ass ripped itself a new one on Sunday morning.

Day 3: What was Maxim thinking?

Well, it's only Day 3 of this experiment and I've already subjected you to man boobs, thorny penises, and 4 gruesome animal maulings. Suffice to say, a lighter-natured post is in order; plus, it's Friday, so let's look at pictures of hot chicks. And J.D. Drew.

I like Maxim, which is why their recent 100 Hottest Women list was so disappointing. Their choice of Lindsay Lohan as #1 was, in fact, so poor, that I am ready to say it was as crappy - perhaps even crappier - of a decision as the Red Sox deciding to sign J.D. Drew to a 5 year $70m contract this offseason.

The argument: Lindsay Lohan is uglier than J.D. Drew sucks at right field.

And here's why.

First, let's just establish the relevancy: Drew's free agent contract set him up for life. He cashed in and now doesn't have much to worry about. He's loaded, he's got some job security, he's set. Basically, the Red Sox assured his future.

The press Lohan's going to get from Maxim essentially does the same thing. At a time when she was spiraling downward and fast becoming a unanimous joker, this choice has somewhat re-legitimized her as a sex symbol. This makes it as important for her future as Drew's contract for his.

Now, why were both decisions shitty, and why was Maxim's worse than Boston's?

They were both shitty because they were based on old information. We're talking about the 2007 Lohan and Drew, yet Maxim and the Sox seemed to be drafting the 2004 versions.

Let's rehash: In 2004 Lindsay Lohan starred in Mean Girls and was indisputably at her hottest:

I mean, she even looked good when her clothes didn't fit.



Incidentally, the 2004 season was J.D. Drew's Mean Girls. It was the only season in his 10 year career where he registered at least 500 at-bats, the only season in which he's hit more than 30 home runs (he hit 31), the only time he's ever drawn more than 100 walks (118), scored more than 100 runs (also 118), and notched more than 140 hits (158). It's one of only two seasons (along with '06, but still) in which he's driven in more than 75 runs, and one of only two seasons (along with 2001) in which he hit over .300 (he batted .305).



Yes, Atlanta got the best of Drew then sold high to the Dodgers.

So, maybe, maybe, Drew and Lohan were deserving of their choices based on their 2004 credentials. But based on their recent work, well, these decisions were ridiculous.

First, Drew. In 2006 with LA he batted .283 and struck out 106 times in 494 at-bats. Granted, he did play in 146 games, his highest yet, and drive in 100 runs for the first time in his career, but he also drew only 89 walks, stole just 2 bases in 5 attempts (compared to 12-15 in 2004) and notched an anemic .346 OBP (.436 in '04). And that was his contract year.

Lohan's '06 and early '07 was arguable worse. She was in and out of rehab, coked out of her brain half the season and her body withered away to the point that her waiflike appearance made her less a sex symbol than a symbol of the negative affects of having a tapeworm colony inhabit your abdomen.


Worse still, her wardrobe problems slipped from sexy to "Ew, get your nasty snatch away from me."

Yeah, that's worn out and gross. And its rubbing against the car seat that Paris Hilton probably just threw up on, and it looks Lohan is about to throw up on. Yuck.

It's pretty clear that both Lohan and Drew did not perform in 2006 the way they did in 2004. So, who's fall was worse - thus making the respective choices by Maxim and the Sox worse at the time?

The answer is clearly Lohan. Just look at the visual evidence. Further, and this is the kicker, there were MUCH better choices available to the Maxim editors. I'll concede that Drew was really one of the better rightfielders available last off season, and the Sox for some felt like the just needed to make a move. I still think they should have stayed with a Hinske/Pena platoon all year (maybe by Sept. Wily Mo would have been able to hit a curveball...he's easily the Pedro Cerrano of real life). They'll probably end up with that anyway, just $14.4m lighter for the year. Drew left the game on Wed. night with 'tightness in his quad' and is now day-to-day. Just great.

Anyway, that was a digression. The main point: Lohan wasn't anywhere near the top candidates for Maxim's 100. Just compare the above pictures to these:

Any one of these women - and any one of many others, too - would have been a better choice. The best choice, though - what would have been a Billy Beane-esque draft pick - is Sarah Shahi. She was quickly rising through Maxim's farm system (90 on the list in 2005, 66 in 2006) when she was inexplicably left off altogether this year. She made a few appearances on The Sopranos this year AND had a recurring role The L Word.

See if you still disagree after watching these borderline SFW clips:







And that's why the choice of Lohan was a poorly thought out, poorly researched, cop-out of a pick. Signing Drew was bad, choosing Lindsay was way worse.

Her mere appearance on The L Word is enough to vault her past the likes of Disney-chick Hillary Duff (23). Basically, sign Drew was stupid, choosing Lohan as #1 was just extremely poor and disappointing, and Sarah Shahi should have been Number 1.

Day 2: Who's more badass?

This is a bonus four-part comparison to ensure these two weeks get off to a fast start - like the Sox building a 13 1/2 game lead so that they can withstand the Yankees' inevitable 9-game win streak and still be up by 10 games with the break only 3 weeks away. (That's right, Lukas, the winning streak is over and the deficit is growing again. You worried yet?)

So here it is: Who's more badass, Shark, Crocodile, Snake, or Octopus?

This is well worth the time it takes to watch clips - including two from Planet Earth, easily the best show on TV the past few months and one of the smartest DVD purchases I've ever made. (On a side note, how do we feel about a Planet Earth Century Mark? We don't have a CM yet that I'm aware of, and this is the PERFECT opportunity. I can see the chapters already: Awesome Hunts/Kills, Foxes, Babies, Never-Before-Seen Animals...it goes on. Each could have at least 5 minutes in it, if not 10.)

Now, to the comparisons.

Shark:

Watch this and tell me Sharks as a species aren't the most badass animal in the world. They can swim 40mph, jump 10 feet out of the water, swallow a good-sized seal whole.

Crocodile:

Well, damn, that's pretty badass too. I give extra points for the combination of sneakiness, speed, sheer power, and brutal determination (an hour to drown a wildebeest? My god.)

Now we come to the wildcards, Octopus and Snake. They made the list solely due to their ability to play ball with Sharks and Crocodiles, who are both clearly pretty BAMF.

First, Octopus:

Granted, the shark in that video is not a great white. However, the octopus isn't a giant octopus either. If sharks are the most badass creatures they should be able to handle every predator in their respective weight class. Kind of like how, if we wanted to name one baseball franchise the best ever, I think it would need to dominate MLB, AAA, AA, and A. If its AA team is constantly getting killed by octopi, it shouldn't be called the best franchise ever. Disagree? Take it up in the comments.

Snake:

Not to be outdone, Snake says "I'm an invertebrate that can also devour the predominant hunter in my environment." (For further evidence of the snake's prowess, YouTube "Snake swallows hippo". Seriously.)

Yesterday I left the choice up to you and nobody said a damn thing; today, I'm choosing and you can debate my choice.

....

Crocodile. In addition to size and speed, they are stealthy my underwater and have steel-trap jaws. I've always wanted steel trap jaws. I also like the second eye-lid that let's them see underwater.

You may say Sharks are more badass. I disagree, for three key reasons: Sharks spend their entire lives swimming, alone. They are constantly chasing their prey, running them down. And they are solitary. Crocodiles, on the other hand, spend most of their days sunning themselves in ferocious-looking colonies. They let the wildebeest come to them and then spring into action. The wait-until-they get here attitude makes them more badass in the same way that it makes Michael Corleone more badass than Tony Montana - through cool, intelligent, lethal, confidence.

Two, crocs can hunt and kill on land AND on water. That versatility is key.

Finally, dolphins kill Sharks, and while that may say something about dolphins' badness, it seriously damages the Shark's claim. In any case, there's no way you'll see a fresh-water dolphin hunting and killing a crocodile. Will you?

Also, Crocodiles mercilessly subject their victims to long and agonizing death-by-drowning - which is on par with death-by-squeezing and more brutal than swallowing whole in 2 seconds or less. They have also been around in some form or another since dinosaur times. In a word, BAMF.

Octopus and Snake just didn't do it for me. Both are creepy as hell but lack the in-your-face tenacity that crocs have, and that I think is an essential part of being a badass.

Bonus video. This had to be included, and led me to briefly entertain the idea of putting wildebeests on the ballot. For one, the baby survives the ordeal, and two, the daddy-beest throws a lion.

Just watch:

Day 1: Female Cat or 750 Pound Man's GF

Yes, it's started, and this blog is about to be transformed. Prepare for a rare glimpse into the depths to which my mind is capable of sinking. Hope you brought a vomit bag.


So, is it worse to be this guy's girlfriend:


Or his girlfriend:



1. The 750 Pound Man

He used to only weigh 400 pounds. But one day he was making himself a sandwich and his knees gave way. Unable to stand, he crawled to his bed; he's been there ever since and has put on more than 350 pounds.

That means that his girlfriend, and he has one, is responsible for spelunking into his ass crack to wipe out whatever happens to (probably constantly) be dribbling out of his oversized anus. It's treacherous work, given all of the bedsores.

There's also the fact that he can, in no way, sexually satisfy her. Unless, of course, she parts the folds of skin that no doubt encapsulate his penis; which may itself be little more than a bed sore by now.

He doesn't fit in any clothes (meaning she's exposed to all kinds of naked, good and bad), he has bigger boobs than her, and, unless she has ready access to a forklift and knows how to drive it, they never get to go out.

Seems pretty bad to me.


The Tomcat

At first, this seems to be the run away winner. He probably minds his own business, likes to be alone, brings her presents (the occasional bird's head or dead mouse) and seems to take pretty good care of himself.

He's well-groomed, practices good hygiene, is able to use the toilet, and is, generally, self-sufficient.

The problem, though, is sex. They have to have it, in fact, it's really your only duty as his girlfriend. So, is it that bad? Well, yes. According to multiple sources, including the Tomcat entry on www.zoophile.com (a highly credible website which includes how-to guides ranging from "How to have sex with a boar" to "How to romance a dolphin"), the tomcat's penis is covered in tiny spines.

"Once inside her, he begins shoving hornily, ejaculates, and not more than five seconds later, the tom withdraws. Thereby, his sharp spines rub against her sensitive vaginal walls and her g-spot; she hisses arousedly, snaps at him; he jumps away."

So wait, you get five seconds of sex, then searing pan along the entire depth of your vagina prompting you to attack your lover who jumps away and retreats to lick himself? Jesus.


This one is really, really a toss up. On the one hand, the pros of being the 750 pound man's gf include being a human, not having to have sex with Kevin Spacey from "Seven", and, well, those are really the only two. The pro's of being the cat include incredible quickness and jumping ability and being able to nap all day.

I leave the decision to you all, what's worse?

Ugh, I guess so

I tried to ignore it all day. But it taunted me. And Sam, I bet you put it there knowing it would do just that.

I'm talking about that two-word phrase "you won't". Those words, and others such as 'prohibited', 'no trespassing', 'forbidden' and 'don't eat that' are like catnip for my common sense: They all turn it from a lighting-quick, always-lands-on-its-feet, trustworthy internal compass to a semi-retarded, string batting, bridge-crossing, floor-lying, nasty-farting, lying on the floor floor.

Accordingly, I seriously considered the challenge of comparing two romantic comedies a day for two straight weeks. Then I came to my senses and realized that, while I may drunkenly cross a snow-covered bridge under construction because I thought a sign dared me to, there is no way in hell I'm going familiarize myself with 28 romantic comedies.

I will take up the challenge of comparing two things for two weeks straight though. I won't tell you what I'm going to compare and it will differ from day to day. But it's coming. And it's going to be good. Well, at least, it will probably be gross.

Seriously?

Id just like to clarify that none of my comments on the post below were serious.

Yesterday was an extremely boring day at work. Both of my bosses were out of the office playing golf, and I was in the office last friday until 8 finishing up all of my work. I had nothing to do and just felt like posting some antagonizing shit on the blog. I'm sorry if it appeared that I was flipping out over dre's comparrison of two romantic comedies. As far as I'm concerned he can compare two romantic comedies on the blog every day for two weeks (you wont).

I also did not think that you called my girlfriend a whore. While i am quite concerned about her obseession with John "not Kruk" Krasinski, I do not think that she....i'm going to stop before i get someone else mad at me. Again, being bored at work isn't good for anything.

Have a good day gentleman

Knocked Up vs. License to Wed

The comparison had to be made - overlapping previews, primetime TV stars in their first leading roles in a feature film, similar story line.

Anyway, is there any argument that Katherine Heigl just smoked John Kracinskwifawi (sorry Tina)? Seriously, being the smoking hot female lead in Judd's latest movie definitely blows away popping the heads off of Robin Williams' (and some weird little kid's) demonic, shit/pissing robot children. Right?

Let's just hope, for John K and for Tina (who's probably still gonna see the movie, right?) that everyone forgets this little lapse of judgment.

And a Happy 613 Day to You...

At 11:32 i sent out a text message to the members of 613 that read:
"Is 613 Day excuse enough to do a power hour alone at 12pm on a wed? I have the day off and am trying to plan my day."

Not so surprisingly enough, almost as soon as I flipped closed my phone i get a response from Tony: "Of course it is"
This message was quickly followed by Rands text, who was on the ball enough to send a message sometime late last night which was early this morning for us east coasters wishing us all a happy 613 Day, that read: "Absolutely yes"

So, with T and Rand's powers combined I was persuaded to partake in a viewing of College Power Hour...although i also received a text from Sam saying unsurprisingly enough "i totally forgot what day it is"

I then proceeded to go to the supermarket to pick up stuff for dinner later in the evening bc i knew that I would be in no condition to go pick up the stuff later. Upon returning i made the move to go down to the basement refrigerator to grab my beer for the newt hour and the door knob was broken. My persistent banging on the door grabbed the attention of my younger brother, who previously declined to partake in the power hour, to get up from watching the first season of the Sopranos to help me with the door. After i futilely tried to open the door with an old gift card (thanks a lot bry) and my brother unscrewed the doorknob i thought all was lost. But, determined to celebrate 613 Day correctly I managed to shimmy the door open with a screw driver

So cheerfully, as i made my way up to my room with my 4 bottles of Ithaca Apricot Wheat and 2 cans of Coors Light my brother stopped me and asked "Are you really doing this by yourself?" to which I responded deadly serious, "If i must"

As I settled into position with my beers, the shot glass from Korova from my 21st Bday, and a notepad and pen to keep track of my thoughts and musings during the hour i pressed Play on the dvd remote...

12:55 = Group Shots
Someone on the Mets has the Chi Bulls theme as their entrance music, i dont remember who

12:58 = Halloween
I've gotten more mileage out of those cheap Walmart suspenders then i care to mention....actually that is not true, I am quite proud of it

1:00 = Funnel
The first appearance of the Banger Sisters

1:02 = Chris
My whole "facial hair" phase soph year was a huge mistake

1:05 = Favorite Drinks
A 12 packer of Natty for $3.99 was just great, nothin will ever top it
The pic of the Natty with the fountain behind it in Vegas...classic. or at least classic 613

1:07 = Food
that first pic of the corn cookin always gets me cravin some corn on the cob

1:10 = The DVD starts to skip and make static-y sounds which provokes evil glares from me
1:11 = DVD stops...grrrrrr
later that minute it is backup and running!!!!

1:12 = Mark
Hey! Frosh yr Mark was the new kid like it says in the song! Crazy how that worked out!
And coincidence how the song says how it is "fun to share" but here i am sadly sitting by myself bing drinking for an hour along to something nothing other than the people rading this wants to watch...believe me, Ive tried

1:15 = Sam
Cosby Sweater!

1:16 = Bowling
was this song at the end of the Entourage or Sopranos ep? I cant remember bc that was the week both of them ended with Tony/Drama in the desert

1:18 = Bry
it really looks like Susan Surandon is creepin in that pic from the nacho cheese night
Bry, do you still have that Spidey lunch box?

1:20 = Case race
Hilarious sequence of pictures: Jared looks sick and is holding his stomach while next to him Alison is giving a worried glare...next pic, J is happy and congratulatory and dolling out high fives

1:21 = Hand Jive
great title for a minute

1:22 = Limmer
Totally forgot about the video during this minute...pleasant surprise

1:25 = Spring Break
I really want to play some beach v-ball

1:27 = Drunk and Depressed
Here I am on a wed at 1:27 half way through a power hour by myself, no need to tell me bout drunk and depressed

1:30 = Hook ups
or as I like to call it...Rand minute #2

1:31 = Montreal
at work I look through the travel books for Montreal and surprisingly enough Super Sex isnt featured

1:31 = Hugs All Around
unsettling burps start

1:34 = Tony
Funny how people are "rediscovering" Journey's Dont Stop Belivin after it was featured on the Sopranos finale...if only they knew it was featured in our lives for the past 5yrs

1:35 = Prospect Day
I let out my first nostalgic sigh...this happens later than I had expected

1:36 = Girlfriends
i give up the Apricot Wheat in favor of the Coors light...turns out to be a great decision

1:41 = Tongues Out
leave it to Bryce to be the only one who goes there...you know what i mean...wink wink

1:43 = St. Paddys Day
Surandon had her pic with bry, and here Goldie looks chummy with the ICFHers

1:44 = Sam
Hilarious sequence of pictures take #2: Sam is balancing bottles while wearing a tshirt saying "Life Sucks Party Naked" and next pic is of sam in his boxers

1:44 = List of Goals
Best idea ever?

1:45 = On the Road Again
No one outside 613 understands my devotion to this classic by Seger

1:48 = Beer Golf
I wanna BBQ like it was Beer Golf

1:49 = Sing-a-long
Shot's "Best days of my life" gets me every time

1:53 = Lim responds to my Text with "Go for it...no reason not to"

1:54 = Champs
I wore my Champs shirt one night while in the Bahamas and was by no definition of the word a Champion, i was a drunken mess....although, i was still more of a Champion than Sam was when he wore his shirt the night of his apt warming party

1:55 = Graduation
Ahhhhhhhhhh
613 int he snow...how perfect

Closing Remarks = Oh Katie Sherwin...remember her? She was a good time. Whatever happened with that one? (and yes, I am admitting that I am saying that in hopes that you will read this Ms Sherwin and be compelled to comment)

Hope all of your days were as 613 filled as mine was

Rand, How do you feel about Simmon's comment?

Bill Simmons: "Duncan is the greatest pure power forward ever, hands down, nobody comes close. It's not an argument. "

Random Thoughts from Apt. B

Looking forward to our reunion at the union....wow that was terrible...im off to a great start.

Rand and I are working on a 613 formal line that includes a green tie and cuff links that have 613 on them. Shouldn't be too pricey: 30 bucks for tie and 20 for cuff links. In theory it will be for all of our weddings: everyone wears them but the groom. The track jackets are obviously still a possibility. I'm down for whatever...

Im getting really sick of the lunch options around my office but I still cant motivate myself to bring lunch on a regular basis. Also, going out for lunch is the only extended time away from my desk I get during the day.

Went out for sushi for the first time last night with zoe, dre, tina and Darman. Had a roll with fried sweet potato and grilled pineapple. Really good. I've had the store bought stuff all the time just never at a restaurant.


Is it weird that I think of Jared when I hear Boys to Men "I'll make love to you"


I'm in a very difficult place with my fantasy team right now. My offense is leading in three of the five categories(R, RBI, HR) and very competitive in the other two (SB and avg). A-ROD, Pronk, C Lee and J Roll have been able to avoid the pitfalls one may encounter by starting Dustin Pedrioa. My pitching struggles across every category. The pen that I thought would carry my team felll apart when Blow job ryan went down for the season. My staff is a mess. My aces (Bedard, Beckett and AJ Burnett) all get rocked on occasion (minus becket). They get solid K's but average whip and era. I also have a lot of young talent ( Lincecum, Sonnasteine, Gemano) and in the minors Pelfrey and Garza. Then I have your standard 4+ers garland and Blanton. Just a bad team not good enough to be top two but good enough to hold on. I'm worried if I trade for more consistent pitching, I'll affect my killer offense.


I've started golfing a lot. While i never understood why lukas, mark and dre would get up early to go play golf, i finally get it.

Is the new incubus album any good? Haven't heard any of it or much talk about it?


What line do the following songs come from:

"into the blue again after the money's gone"

"i hope my neck dont break walking on the moon"

"Lets rearrange i wish you were a stranger i could disengage" from Maria Sharapova's playlist on itunes.

"She is foaming like a bottle of beer. The wave is coming but I aint gonna fear"

Tell me there is a better series on dvd right now than planet earth and I will call you a liar. Just watched Fresh Water on my dvr and the bear eating salmon part is excellent.

Knocked Up

I saw it Friday night.
I laughed.
Is it my new favorite movie?
Naw.
But it is funny and I recommend seeing it.

Marshal has some funny lines, his character is funny...very Barney-esque.

Apatow keeps true to his 40yr Old style of making it a long comedy with an actual "heart" and story line.

Judd is good but there are a few times he and Rogan just go at it alla the "I know you're gay because" bit, and while it is funny, kinda seems a little too intentional

All in all I feelt as though it was a $9.75 well spent...and for me that is a big deal because lately buying a Green Tea Vitamin Water is a calculated expense

OH! and they kinda bash Mathew Fox for a second and I didn't take kindly to that
but then there was a Eternal Sunshine poster in Rogan's character's house and I liked that

What did you guys think?