Super Bowl XLI Diary; Careful It's Long

Early on in January, a friend of mine out here in Los Angeles told me, "You have to do something for the Super Bowl." She knew that I loved to hold parties (i.e. our Mini-Golf Kegger) and host events (Beach Volleyball Bonfire, MPH3 Premiere, and Cortaca in LA), but she wasn't aware that I had never put together a Super Bowl party. I thought about why this was and I tried recalling the S.B. parties I attended over the last couple of years... during high school, we watched 3 consecutive Super Bowls at our friend Kozlowski's house... when I got to college, the Eagles lost heartbreakers in the Conference Championships to the Bucs and Panthers, and so I didn't even want to watch the Super Bowl in '03 and '04 (in fact, Sophomore year I was in Spain and didn't catch any of the game)... then Junior year, the Birds finally made it to the big game and I would have thought about hosting a party, but some other friends had already begun planning their fiesta... last year was pretty low key (although Sam did prepare a ton of delicious food)... and that leads me to this year.

Honestly, I didn't have the drive or the desire to orchestrate a blow-out Super Bowl party with tons of beer, gambling, and food... my Eagles lost, and at that point, I was just rooting for whichever team I hated less. Plus, Super Bowl parties kind of feel like Hallmark Holidays (as in, they're just a product of the mass media and big corporations... sometimes we buy the cards and host the parties simply because we feel like we have to, it's our duty as consumers.) Disregarding that last sentence (I know it must have sounded heretical), I would have been perfectly content to go to a sweet party at a friend's house (... meeting up with your buddies to watch football, drink beers, chow down on wings, and enjoy hilarious commercials is fun, even if the whole notion was spawned by "The Man"). Well this year, nobody seemed to be putting anything together and as I've already mentioned, I didn't feel like stepping up (if the Eagles were in it, I would have... does that make me a fair-weather Super Bowl party host? It sure does).

But I digress, on Saturday I went snowboarding up at Big Bear (2 hours from LA). It was a whole lot of fun and the mountain was very similar to Elk (a ski slope just outside Scranton, PA). It was really hot and sun glasses were essential. I hadn't even thought about wearing suntan lotion and that turned out to be a huge mistake. When I finally realized this, it was too late. All I could do was take my sunglasses off when I rode up the chairlift and hope that the area around my eyes would get sunburned too (this was a desperate attempt to avoid racoon eyes and it didn't work). That night I received three seperate texts from friends trying to throw together some small, last-minute Super Bowl parties. With my skin burnt to a crisp, I didn't exactly feel like showing my face at any party (no matter how small it was going to be). I decided to buck tradition and convinced myself that it'd be a good idea to sit at home, by myself, and watch the game. I ordered up some wings from the Cheesecake Factory (which has delicious buffalo wings by the way) and got a strange look from the hot hostess when I entered the somewhat upscale establishment in sweats and what must have appeared to be red face paint. Luckily I already had some High Lifes in the fridge. By 3:30 I was ready to go and the experiment began (... keep in mind the Super Bowl starts early on the West Coast.)

One of the best parts of watching the Super Bowl (or just about any sporting event for that matter), is the constant joking and criticizing that flies between you and your friends... the Super Bowl is great because not only do you have a huge game being played, but you've also got plenty of water-cooler commercials and an out-of-control halftime show to make fun of. About 30 minutes into the game, I already had 3 or 4 comments that I really wanted to share with somebody and so I grabbed my laptop and started typing up a running diary (... I obviously stole this idea from Bill Simmons. He's done quite a few hilarious running diaries on the last 8 or 9 NBA drafts). Unfortunately I didn't make a note of the time at which I wrote each comment, but hey... The total diary ended up being 3700 words and I don't want to take up that much space on this blog (especially after I've already included this long introduction), so I'll just leave you with some snippets. Feel free to skim through them at whatever pace you want. Maybe you were thinking some of the same things...


So, Devin Hester opens the game with a kick return for a TD (probably the first ever Super Bowl to open this way) and all week long sports pundits (like Salisbury, Schlereth, and others) have been saying that Chicago only has a chance if Hester takes one “to the house” and they don’t think he will, so Chicago has no shot… well now the game opens with a spectacular play that everyone has acknowledged might occur but basically said won't happen... and what do Nantz and Simms say? What sort of sizzling commentary do they add to complement this amazing opening?... 10 seconds of silence!!!!

Advertisers have been so afraid of Tivo because it allows viewers to skim through commercials… but here I am watching football and I wouldn’t dare plow through a commercial because I know the majority will be quality and everyone’s going to be talking about them tomorrow. Well, instead of attacking recent technological developments (like DVR boxes that allow us to fast-forward thru commercials) and trying to hold the TV industry hostage, why don’t advertisers just make better commercials. This strategy works during the Superbowl. What, are their brain trusts all tapped out after coming up with one good commercial a year? C'mon!

“Your thumbs bleeding, what do you do? Get a taste of your own blood.” – Simms… what the hell does that mean? This was obviously a prepared statement and it makes no sense… in fact it’s pretty gross.

Manning told Nantz that he would dump the ball off on a 3rd and 12, but when he faces this down in real life, he actually goes deep… so basically, you can’t trust anything an athlete tells a sportscaster before the game. That’s what I would’ve assumed anyway, but this just goes to prove it.

"188 miles, by car" - Jim Nantz... and how far apart would Indy and Chicago be if I were to travel by plane? How about by moped? What if I decided to hoof it? What's the formula for translating miles traveled by car into miles traveled by foot... it’s like 4 times the distance right? Please Jim Nantz, enlighten me.

I hate Carlos Mencia. Damn you Bud Light!

Oprah and Letterman! Hahaha, it’s strangely satisfying to see them together on the couch like that… and Oprah actually sounded sweet when she said “Honey don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Man on man it’s misty, it's like I’m watching a flashback when everything is hazy.

This game is nuts… I feel like I’m watching twelve year-olds playing some mud football in the backyard… three freaking fumbles in the first quarter.

Simms says nobody thought CHI could cover the Colts receivers, Simmons said nobody thought CHI could win. Seriously? Nobody???

Wow, Harrison dropped a big one! Why isn’t there more talk about this guy getting the jitters in big games? We heard a little about this but not much.

Holy Shit, Phil Simms' thoughts on “Rules of Engagement”, a show which airs tomorrow (oh and Spade is wearing a tiny, clear plastic rain slicker)… “What’s the matter if the show was a hit already they’d be in a suite, but you know right now they make them sit in the stands in the rain… (then he mumbles) next year… good stuff always good, I wonder if it’s their first uh well I wonder if it’s their first Super Bowl experience. When you come to it, the pageantry everything, I’ve been a spectator at Super Bowls before.” Nantz tries to makes sense of Simms’ rant “What you’re trying to say is you think they would’ve earned a suite by now?” Simms responds, “Well no, you gotta earn that.” Once again, keep in mind, the show premieres TOMORROW… is Simms calling out the show, he’s on CBS and he’s attacking their big midseason addition? Way to backpedal buddy… your commentary was seamless.

The Go Daddy girl looks like a 40 year-old Long Islander who’s had plenty of work done… basically she looks like Leah Remini in 6 years.

Mary J Blige is back. One commercial and one Grammy’s promo and it’s still the first half. I could have swore she already pulled her “yeah I’m old but I still got some songs to sing” comeback like 5 years ago. What does that make this comeback?

Nantz's eloquent, appreciatory remarks on Black History “…and February is black history month… People have written (pause) scholary works (pause) and talked about it… but tonight we’re living it, rrrrrrr living it by example.” (did he say we’re or they’re that second time)? Either way he sounded confused.

What’s with these Doritos commercials all being in widescreen… ehhhh gross, did that fat ugly woman with glasses just get moist and make a mess on account of some flavored Dorritos?

That’s quite a good Nantz impression Simms does… Nantz failed meteorology school? Give the teacher an apple? What the hell are these guys talking about?

Dominick Rhodes with the second-effort for the first. Addai wouldn’t have gotten that and I’ve been saying that throughout this entire playoff stretch. It’s satisfying to see these older running backs showing up the younger, more highly-touted running backs who were brought in to replace them (Cedric Benson’s condition is unknown and Thomas Jones should continue to carry the load).

“First round of Bud Lights is on me” and then the guy hangs up his fist to be pounded… who initiates a fist pound on their own behalf? The face slap… hmmm… was that commercial influenced by the Stiller-Dexter slap fight in “Night at the Museum”???

That GM commercial is hilarious, when they let the machine go because he dropped a bolt… absolutely hilarious when he tilts his head down, and pretty damn funny when he commits suicide by jumping off the bridge.

16-14 Colts… even though Grossman is 6 for 8 in terrible weather, and one of those TDs came off of a kick return... I guess stats aren't everything… oooh, the Colts stop Jones and will take over on offense. Indianapolis has quietly taken over this game.

I never realized how much I hated the video reel for Simms’ Spotlight (I don’t need to see that schmuck throw a 7-yard pass to a wide receiver running an in-route.)

Addai catches the ball at the line of scrimmage and 3 guys bounce off of him as he runs straight forward. “Look at the moves he put on them” Nantz adds.

Sprint mobile is all in widescreen too??? What the fuck? Quit pushing this revolution to over-priced high-def plasma screens… it’ll happen soon enough.

Four fumbles already in the first half! This is insane. Gotta be a record.

So in the Dorritos-Lays commercials Nantz is supposed to be all poetic and such in his call of this historic game (two black coaches)… this comes on the heels of Nantz botching his commemorative remarks in the real game.

“He can put them up to a Unitas, on the scoreboard… 19” This better not become a fad among sportscasters.

HAHAHA Vinaeteri missed a kick… that feels like a slight to the Pats even though they’re not playing, I love it.

So before halftime they roll out all the boring car commercials. Now I know for the future and I’ll feel free to change the channel or fast-forward thru them.

“You talked about ball security earlier on in the day” – James Brown… classic.

After Shannon Sharp barks out "Protect your luggage!!!", he and Boomer slap hands… ahhhh, I was hoping they’d take a cue from the Bud commercial and slap each other in the face.

Halftime Show- That lightning was CG-ed right? I wonder if Prince is wearing that doo-rag on his head because his hair is frizzing out in these tropical conditions. This song isn’t bad, is it a cover? Wow, that was the gayest rock star yell I’ve ever heard… it was like a Chihuahua yelping. Are these songs new? Oh, they really are covers, I was just kidding earlier. This second one sounds like the beat from “Party Like It’s 1999” but he’s stealing lines from CCR’s “Proud Mary.” What is this? You know, it’s actually fun to watch the halftime show, when you’re writing critical remarks and sarcastic comments. So no one else is coming out to join him like in the halftime shows of the five previous Super Bowls. Really, it’s only him? He’s just going to play covers of everyone else’s songs (“All Along the Watchtower” by Hendrix and the Foo Fighters' “Best of You”)? Who is this woman singing back-up? Is she the chick who did “Wild Night” with Mellencamp? Purple Rain – he’s finally covering one of his own songs. Prince just tossed off his doo-rag and he now bears a striking resemblance to the lesbian girl from “Mean Girls,” when she dressed up for the prom.

Jericho is still on?

"188 miles, by car" - Jim Nantz... and how far apart would Indy and Chicago be if I were to travel by plane? How about by moped? What if I decided to hoof it? What's the formula for translating miles traveled by car into miles traveled by foot... it’s like 4 times the distance right? Please Jim Nantz, enlighten me.

Katie Couric wants to remind us that good deeds do take place in America. If you’re looking for a feel-good, naïve, pick-me-up… tune in to CBS at 6… does this mean they won’t be showing anything remotely sad and depressing?

No, not more Carlos!!! AHHHHH… What, Cedric the Entertainer wasn’t a good enough spokesperson for you, Bud Light?… You needed to dig deeper into the well of “awful comedians who someone got lucky” and drudge out Mencia?

“I’m going to talk about Rex Grossman when he gets on the field” – Simms… thanks for the warning.

Nathan Vasher wants to marry Oprah? Too bad she’s in love with Letterman. I know it was just a commercial, but I want it to be true… they both looked so happy. Whoopi and Danson made it work, for a couple of months.

First drive of the second half is the most important one says Tom Moore… oh how true, I’m tearing up right now thinking about how the Eagles gave up a touchdown to the Pats at the start of the second half, making it 14-7.

Okay, Addai just made a fool out of me with his tough run on 3rd and long… still I prefer Rhodes.

Simms doing his best Manning impersonation: “everybody retreating, so Peyton Manning I like this short passing, yeah it’s raining football slick, doesn’t matter (pause)… shoot, I can still throw those (pause) three and four yarders (pause)… maybe.” Fantastic, he says “shoot” because Manning grew up in the South and he adds “maybe” to the end of his rant because he realized he just spent the last 20 seconds making a fool out of himself in front hundreds of millions of people.

“I am your bank manager… I said DOWN ON THE FLOOR!” he sounded very much like Sandler… that one was good (E-TRADE) and not many commercials have been good this year so it might be in my Top-5 even though it was nothing spectactular (it actually looked like a terrible midseason replacement that Fox was plugging).

Wow, these audio levels blow. The NFL 5-second promo spots they play before they bounce back to the game are loud as hell. Ahhhhh, Revlon is hurting my ears!

Simms offers up this gem: "It really is tough and IT’S TOUGH”

From 2nd and 1 to 3rd and 12 all because Grossman slipped, you gotta be kicking yourself if you’re a Bears fan… that’s tough, IT'S TOUGH.

"Surival of the fittest for the promotion" commercial... pretty good although they stole the idea from Family Guy (when Peter and his colleagues get hunted down).

Hahaha, those lions were great. Carrrrrrrnay Asada… Ricadro Monteban?

You can vote for the Cadillac Super Bowl MVP in the fourth quarter. I really want them to cut to a shot of Grossman and Muhammad sitting next to each other on the bench, completely drenched but with their cell phones out, telling each other “I’ll vote for you if you vote for me.” Yeah guys, nobody’s voting for either one of you so you better keep on voting for each other.

Toyota’s wide-screen too??? Did he just say “six-speed tranny”? Yes, yes he did.

GOULET!!!

Federline’s in Wide-Screen! That’s great, I don’t even care. He’s cashing in by making fun of his newly-christened, financially destitute situation, just like MC Hammer… and that was for Nationwide, right? Just like Hammer’s commercial.

C’mon Bears. 3rd and 7 this is huge. Could you even go for a field goal if you miss this? It’s so wet and the kick would be a 45 yarder... Damn it, Rex should’ve run… I’m sorry it’s a 44-yarder. Got it!

“They’ve become so good, and SO proficient at what they do it’s… well, it’s kinda taken a little fun out of it, we want to see a little miss, kick it really bad (then he mumbles) not really” – Simms… Nantz asks “you’re not rooting against these guys are you?” Simms cuts him off---“No I would NOT!”

Tank Johnson did what??? And you’re only telling me this now, 3 hours into the game? Did you just call it an “interesting” story? "A special injunction and under team supervision… able to travel out of state because of three previous arrests, recently 6 unlicensed guns and 500 rounds of (pause)… ammunition found in his house… and Manning throwing it to the right side” Nantz doesn’t skip a beat when transitioning out of the bewildering story of Tank Johnson and back into the game. You know, the worst thing Tank Johnson probably could’ve done was make a play in the Super Bowl… If he did nothing all day, Nantz wouldn’t have ever mentioned his arrest (in front of millions and millions of viewers), but instead he makes a big stop and what happens: he's presented as a psychopath in front of the entire world.

Did the ref just have to wait to make his announcement because “The Hippy Hippy Shake” was still playing over the loudspeakers???... I had no idea anyone even listened to that song anymore. That’s neat. But don’t get me wrong, I hate that song.

Down 12 in the fourth with Rex Grossman leading your offense, no way, not a chance. That’s Thomas Jone’s cue to turn in an 80-yard TD run

Haha, Shula versus Jay-Z in a futuristic version of football chess – Why do they need the hand-motions, is that just for show? They’re calling out the plays and that seems to be enough. Shula goes for the kick and Jay-Z’s lady friend blows the ball wide, damn it only bitches blow!!! I hope Jay-Z reminds her that she’s just a bitch… I’m sure he does.

Phil Simms is in “Criminal Minds”?

I know it wasn’t that tough of a pass to make, but in that situation (3rd and 4 in the fourth quarter, down 12), it was a big completion by Grossman. And of course his next pass is picked off. Replace him. Draft a young QB with the 31st pick in the draft.

Holy Shit!!! So that Flomax commercial appeared completely innocuous, I was barely paying attention. I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, yeah, dudes who have trouble peeing should take this pill even though it’s got all these horrible side effects…" and then I look up to see some older fellas, on break from their bicycle ride. While seated, they make a toast with their water bottles and everything seems normal… except for the fact that one guy’s water bottle is filled with a yellowish liquid (presumably pee since that’s what the voice-over man has been talking about for the last 30 seconds)…

Things you can do with one finger: Was anybody else waiting for them to say "Pleasure yourself"? Unfortunately we had to settle for the poor man's version: "Save Holland." (aka - stick a finger in a dike, which is exactly what Al Michaels said four weeks ago during the Cowboys-Seahawks game)

Mark Anderson and Tank Johnson sack Manning. Tell me more about Tank’s guns!!!

Dungy doesn’t trust Vinateri to hit a 52-yarder, interesting…

“Again there’s never been a punt returned for a touchdown in Super Bowl history” – way to set the stage Nantz… Indy’s punting it from Chicago’s 35 yard line, this ball is either going out of bounds, being fair-caught, downed inside the 20, or landing in the endzone for a touchback, there’s no way Hester can return this for a TD, but thanks for adding that little tag before Hunter Smith punts it, if Hester did return it for a TD, I would’ve thought to myself, “Nantz just told me that’s never happened!!!”

Okay it’s over. Indy just got a first with 2:40 left.

Dungy doesn’t curse? Oh there we go, he said “Damn” once…

I hate Grossman right now, I can’t imagine being a Bears fan and having to watch this close-up of Rex… you gotta be ready to tear your hair out.

DAMN IT!!! Manning won a championship before Donovan… eh, maybe that’s good, maybe Donovan will flourish under the pressure. Oh, who am I kidding, McNabb folds under the pressure (or he pukes).

Could that stadium clear out any faster? There’s nobody there.

Haha, seamless transition from the Super Bowl to “Criminal Minds”… but wait, they're watching a post-game show with Simms and Nantz, where the hell can I catch this post-game show?