Fantasy Football... Beware

Where did we land on this one? I'd be down. Based on previous fantasy leagues, I'm guessing these are the seven others that would also be interested: Dre, Jared, Limmer, Shotty, Tony, Sam, and Mark. And by the way, I hope we register in that exact order. I predict that sequence will yield the highest quality of profane team names.

Here's my reasoning: You need someone to really set the bar high, right out of the gate, and I think Dre would do that. I'm guessing he combines some form of a taboo sex act with a long-forgotten scatological synonym ("The Skull F#cking Bootycakes"... for example). Jared is great hitting at the number two spot. He definitely raises his game when he sees the type of intensity the person right before him is bringing. Plus he'll be choosing a name, knowing that Mark is still out there crafting a gem. This will serve as added incentive for him to perfect his selection. If history is any indicator, Jared will look to add a bit of realism into the fold by attaching a familiar "hottie" to whatever dirty phrase he introduces, which makes the sickening name even more unsettling (i.e. "Trollsey's Dingleberries Taste Great With Urine")... although I'm not sure if they would allow him to use that many letters. We're on to the number three position, and Limmer would fill that slot very well. We've just seen two names that have absolutely no relation to football, and it would be very much like the "Quintiple Shot of Whiskey" Wonder to bring it all back to the game. He could show support for his team with a name like ("Eagles Own The East"), but I'm guessing that the angry drunk in Limmer will prevail and we'll end up being treated to something along the lines of ("Strahan Shockers Shockey" or "TO Smokes Pole"). Dan is the wild-card at the clean-up spot. I figure he's got a good one up his sleeve and will be inspired by Lim to show some team pride: ("Your Mom Says Andy Reid’s Mustache Tickles Her V"). At this point, no one has used their team name to bust anyone else’s balls, but it’s a safe bet that Tony would break that trend. He’s bound to make fun of someone, and he may even include himself. For instance, he could be self-deprecating (“I Have Vinny Testaverde Saved In My Phone As ‘Week 5’”), but I think it's more likely that he would go after Chris and Bry for not joining the league ("They'll Make Lasagna With Each Other But They Won't Play Fantasy Football? Weird")... in reality it will be a lot less wordy. Now we get to Sam. It's been a while since we had a truly gross-out team name and Sam will exude unwavering confidence in his ability to toss out a twisted gut-buster. However, he will inevitably overthink the name. And what a surprise, he has been aided by a rubric! He feels that four words would be the perfect amount and decides to choose each word individually, disregarding how they will sound when strung together. He wants one word that is offensive (but that the computer won’t pick up on), another that he thinks is funny, a third that references some inside joke amongst us 613ers, and a forth word that he hopes will become cool. The end result: "DukeLacrosse Squishy Schmegma Chillaxing"… (I think I would have a fun time writing an entire blog post based on Sam's decision-making process when presented with just one of the 2,000-plus choices he makes everyday). Finally, we give Mark the honor of presenting us with the final disgusting name. After the phrase he introduced to us recently (“wank-tastic swank source”), along with his proven track record, I can honestly say that I have no idea what he might come up with for a name. He’s been doing this for a while now, and dirty team names are his specialty. I look forward to reading what he settles on.

I’m no good at coming up with team names, so I’ll probably just call my unit “Entry #8”.